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My Worst Spider Story

One night at work I snorted a spider…

No that isn’t a euphemism (Yay I spelled that right on the first try), no indeed I had the dubious pleasure of having a live arachnid in my sinuses.

It was a little spider thankfully, I have also had the experience of having a rather large wolf spider lunge at my face from the inside of a gas mask like a demented pygmy face hugger from Aliens, of course after engaging that spider in hand to face combat with the suicidal Xenomorph and slapping myself about the head and face with blunt objects I managed to win against the demented demonic deviant, casting it’s body down and dancing on it’s corpse like a cracked out mosher in full slam mode.

This was both thankfully not that kind of situation, the smaller dust spider had taken up an ambush point on my water bottle, hiding behind the lip as I went to take a drink, lifting the bottle to my lips I took a long pull before he stepping out into the light just within my sight with all the class and style of David Copperfield himself after a particularly neat trick, front legs waving and everything.

I would bet the little monster would have worn a white puffy shirt as well if given half a chance.

In shock and surprise I snorted at his sudden appearance.

With that mighty snort he disappeared just as quickly as he appeared, little magic was involved here as my snort had the side effect of hoovering the little bastard up into my upper sinuses.

I felt him twitching up there behind my eyes.

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth.


The next fifteen billion hours were spent in a struggle between my professionalism and my atavistic need to jab pens up my sinuses in an attempt to engage him in a dual to the death while repeatedly snorting water up my nose in a dread attempt to flood him out.

I even tried to pressure was him out through the use of a bottle of mountain dew that I shook up and pressed into my sinuses.

Feeling his little legs twitching behind my eyeballs did little to calm the situation down.

It was just as dawn broke on the horizon, my head was stuffed up and I had the appearance of a recent graduate of the ‘black bag government’ school of interviews and interrogation.

That’s a polite way of saying that I waterboarded myself in an attempt to break the bastard free.

As the first employees arrived on site I gave a small sniff in self pity as i realized that my suffering would have to continue another three hours before I could go home and try to Huff bug cleaner as I could still feel the phantom twitching from his corpse as it rested mere inches from my brain.

Much to my dismay that sniff was all it took.

While the bastard was in fact dead his body had been liberally coated in a hard ball of snot and nose hair as well as an amalgam of whatever else was up there before, during and since the bastard had taken up residence.

This ball had broken loose and with my sniff had flown free and splattered itself against my uvula at the back of my throat.

If you have never experienced a snotball resting against your gag reflex bless whatever higher power you believe in.

If you have experienced this situation then you have my pity.

The fact most people don’t understand is that when this happens you have two options.

You can swallow the snotball, a situation only slightly less palatable than swallowing a glass of brain worm infested sewer water.

Or you can spit it out, this situation requires you to hack a golf ball sized collection of vileness across your tongue before you can spit it out.

This was the situation that the employee’s arrived to see as I scrubbed my tongue with a sock that I stripped from my feet in an attempt to clear the nacho cheese texture from off my tongue.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in Adventure, Horror, Personal Narrative