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Going Home – Carol #1

 Hi there.

My name’s Carol, and what you’re reading right now is a message, mainly just so I can vent out any bad feelings I have about things before I head home. I have no one specific to write this to, since my parents have been gone for a while now, and all of my friends are busy earning majors and planning out life. I guess this note is just for me then, just to get all of my feelings written down, in a weird sort of pseudo-life story.

The basics that you need to know live up to the term ‘basic’; My name’s Carol, I’m almost 20 years old, and I’m currently attending a college and dumping money into a major that I don’t even know if I want, which I guess is a good starting point.

Ever since I was a kid, I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, and started flip flopping across different hobbies and classes. Suddenly now it’s college time and I had no idea what I wanted to major in, so I just chose what I thought was the most interesting sounding, which so far has turned out to just be boring and expensive. It’s not like I can quickly change my major either, I’m 3 semesters deep and doing that would just make them a waste of time and money, so I’ve been dealing with that fact for a little while.

I think another major problem I have is that I’m very self critical on the things that I do enjoy doing. Hell, I’m even proofreading this stupid note, which is kinda funny in a morbid way. I just don’t know what to do with my life, and I feel like whatever I do, will just be shunned or shamed by the people around me, that being something I’d prefer not to have happen.

I know that all of this stuff happening to me is most likely all my fault for not preparing early and being indecisive, I didn’t need to ask any of my friends to figure that out, and knowing that just hammers down on the self depreciation even more. For the past couple weeks I’ve just been staying in my dorm, trying to think of some way to get away from this, and to help make myself feel like I have options that will actually work out for me. I think I figured out something a couple days ago, and I’m still thinking it through writing this note.

The plan is pretty simple; I’m going home. I’ve bought the things I need for it, and it’s going to be quick and easy for me to do. I’ll have to leave somewhere isolated, where no one will be able to see me, since I don’t want them to stop me. It’s not a foolproof plan, since in a couple weeks or months, my friends will find out and come rushing over, but this solution is mainly just for me, after all, so I can’t find it in me to worry about them.

A part of me is scared to go home, that somehow it’ll hurt me even more than what I’m doing now in college, or that it’ll lead to nothing at all, but it’s the best and only option I have right now, as messed up as it sounds. So, to whoever finds this note, I’ve already gone home, to my mom and dad, and I can only hope that we’re happy together again.

Thanks for reading,

Carol

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