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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong – Carol #6

 Hi there,

My name is Carol, and I’m writing this note mainly to myself, as a way to help my brain remember things, if that’s even how it works. I’m currently 32 years old, and I’ve been living in an apartment by myself for about 2 years, I think, or I’m pretty sure. I haven’t had the best life so far, pretty sure, since I can barely make payments to my landlord, and I’ve been eating nothing but quick meals for some time, given all of the trash around the apartment.

I graduated high school when I was 18 or 19, and I got my first job at a deli when I was 17, I think. I’ve had a few relationships in high school, but focused on college work over love so I could try and be a better student, hopefully. I’m writing all of this useless information just for myself, and I’ll explain why.

Something’s gone wrong with me recently, I think a few months ago, but I don’t remember anything actually bad happening when I started feeling weird. I’m almost positive I just woke up one day recently and felt kinda wrong, I guess is the way I would put it. It’s like that feeling you get whenever you first wake up after a sleepover, or passing out drunk, where you have those brief moments of not knowing where you are or how you got there. It’s like that, but spread across random intervals of the day.

Before you think it, I can’t go to the doctors to find out what it is for a few reasons. Main one is that my parents neve taught me or got me on insurance to cover for a hospital or doctor visit, and with my tight finances I don’t feel like I could safely afford one anyway.

The second reason is that I don’t really want to find out, weirdly. It’s like the saying that “Ignorance is Happiness” or something along those lines, because what if it turns out to be something I can’t recover from? What if it’s something that’ll kill me soon? Knowing that would throw me over the edge, and thinking about it now scares me a bit.

It’s not a smart choice, but I’m just not going to go to the doctors. Not yet at least, I feel mostly fine, and it’s just remembering older things that’s a bit hard. I’m just going to write in this if it gets worse to help jog my memory, and if I don’t write in this again, then I can laugh in a few years when I find it again and remember the day I was in a weird funk.

Hi again,

It’s Carol again, and I don’t exactly know how to say this, but I think it’s getting worse. I’m gonna try to write down my information again, hopefully it goes smoothly. My name’s Carol, I’m   32, I’ve been living in my apartment for a while, low rent, shitty life. I graduated high school when I was 18, like every other kid obviously, and I got a job when I was   17, at the deli.

I messed up a few of those, and I had to look back at the first attempt for others, it’s definitely getting worse. The feeling that I mentioned before, waking up not knowing where you are but for the whole day, that hasn’t gone away. I don’t know what is happening, but I really don’t want to find out.

It might be some form of long term memory loss, like the fish from Finding Nemo, or it’s just a weird thing happening in my head that isn’t really there. I don’t know, but it doesn’t feel right. I almost forgot my landlord’s name when she came to my room for payment, and I completely forgot about the payments altogether.

Thankfully I was able to get out of it and give her the money, but I don’t like this feeling at all. I’ve had a lot of times where I’ve had to vent out anger somehow because I couldn’t remember simple things, and it just gets more annoying the more I try to. My mom’s name was Carrie, and my dad was Kade- Karl- Kane. It took me about 5 minutes to remember my dad’s name, and I almost threw my chair across the room. I hate not being able to remember clearly, and it’s driving me absolutely crazy.

I had trouble remembering what day it was too, and I had to look at the calendar on my computer just to remember clearly, so I’m getting more and more worried about it all.

I don’t want to figure out what it is though, since if I learn it’s something untreatable, I’ll shut down completely. I’m fighting here to remember, and I feel like if I stop that I’m going to lose myself. If I keep fighting, maybe it’ll go away, maybe I can go back to normal, and maybe I can appreciate things more.

I’ll keep this updated if I need it.

Carol,

My name is Carol I graduated high school when I was 18 My mom was Carrie.

Im really scared I cant think straight anymore.

My graduation party was a lot of fun, but I cant remember why My first boyfriend was terrible, and we broke up, but I dont know why I cant remember my dad at all, if I even had one I knew his name, why cant I remember him.

A woman came to my door and handed me a bunch of envelopes, is she the landlord? Why didnt I write down what she looked like, I don’t know if that was her.

She asked me something I think, but I didnt answer her I didn’t know what to say.

I used to be happier, right? I wasn’t always like this, right? Who am I asking, Carol from the past? What was she like back then. She complained in her first message, but why? What she talked about didn’t seem bad Im so hungry, but I dont know what to eat There are things that hurt my teeth, I think they need to be heated up, but I dont want to hurt myself.

Why didnt she go talk to someone, why didnt she stop this, why did she want to suffer. She said ignorance is happiness, but Im not happy Im really scared.

I remembered my birthday I was really happy, there was a big cake, and my mom was there, and a man, maybe my dad I got a lot of gifts, but I dont know what they were Maybe I still have them, and maybe they can help me.

I want this to be over, but I dont know what to do to stop it I cant remember where to go for help.

I went out of one of the doors, and I saw other people, I didnt know them so I went back in Do I ask them for help? What if they dont know what to do, what if they are strangers What do I do? Carol please tell me what to do, Im so scared, why did you leave me.

Prom night with my boyfriend was the best night of my life Where is he? Why can’t he help me. Where is mom, why can’t she help me.

My name is Carol, Carol isn’t helping me anymore Who am I?

My name is carol Carol help me Prom night birthday Mom dad boyfriend Highschool come back Scared Scared Carol ignorance happiness Doors person money Carol money happiness

My birthday was the last day i ever got to see my mom and dad My birthday was the last day i ever got to see my mom and dad Thats all i remember Dad hurt prom hurt Carol help please fight keep fight

Carol 31 mom Carol highschool 18 deli 17 college money quick food hungry wrong with me nemo memory doctor doctor help hungry ignorance happiness laugh carol 32 mom carrie highschool 19 deli 17 relation 

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