I like it when he calls me baby, and although he doesn’t speak a lick of English, we have chemistry. The long distance kind. I get so flushed and wet when he confesses his love to me over the phone. I can feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I’m never like this.
I like listening to him sing his original bachata compositions for me. He says I’m his muse. Even though my limited Spanish fluency makes conversation difficult, I understand most of what he says when he communicates how he feels about me.
I’m always at a loss for words when he asks me to respond. I’ll sing along to his songs until he asks me to sing his name in the lyrics. I’m too shy. My mouth won’t form the sound. I’m never like this.
It’s the first time a man has told me he loves me. The first time a man has promised that he would never hurt me. The first time a man has verbalized his desire to marry me.
I know that words are empty without action. I think he’s earnest, but I still don’t see a future together. He sees the artist in me, but there are parts of me he will never be able to know or appreciate. Parts of me that I want my partner to see.
I admit I like the attention. For once, it’s nice to feel cared for. But I don’t want to hurt him. When he asked me to be his girlfriend after just two days of knowing me, I replied yes. I don’t want to be careless. I’m never like this.
I tend to deny myself pleasures if there is even the slightest chance of harm to another party. Is it wrong to engage in a relationship knowing full well it won’t last? I like him. I want to be with him. Just not forever.
I want to experience his warmth, his breath, his body while he sings to me, strumming my pain with his fingers, killing me softly. I want to feel him inside of me and finally exhale. I’m never like this.
Part of me wants to surrender to him and forget all my reservations about our differences, our language barrier, our geographic isolation, society, practicality. I want to build a world of our own with him and run away from all pain and negativity and anything that would keep us apart. I want to be free to love whomever I want however I want whenever I want.
I need to escape this cage, this prison of societal and familial expectation, my silly excuses, and my tendency to sugarcoat. Why can’t I just say what I feel and go after it? Why do I always ruin a beautiful thing with “buts”? Why do I deny myself good things?
I’ve never felt like this.Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in