You have 4 free member-only stories remaining for the month. Subscribe now for unlimited access

New Shoe Legislation Passes in Historic Vote

Although the Extreme Court ruled against one section of it before it passed

Photo by Maxim Hopman on Unsplash

In a rare show of bi-partisanship, the weak-kneed Democrats joined with the not-quite-far-right Republicans to pass legislation on shoe ownership. Shoe ownership has been a contentious issue around the 32nd amendment and it’s meaning as the founding fathers wrote it.

I’m not sure why the Republicans felt it necessary to negotiate with the Democrats. They rarely have in the recent past, and although polls show the majority in favor of most legislation or regulation opposed by the Republicans, those same polls show that most Republican-leaning voters in favor would still vote Republican, even if their representatives did not vote for anything they wanted.

Still, this is historic. It does do a little to help the national shoe crisis gripping this country. (No other country has this issue – they seem fine with regulating shoe ownership.)

Boyfriend loophole finally closed

Now, jealous boyfriends can no longer try on or confiscate your shoes for their own use without first asking your permission. And ex-boyfriends can no longer come back and take your shoes away and then use them to hurt you. This is considered a strong addition to the law, and recognizes that we can’t always pick a partner who doesn’t turn for the worse later on.

Red flag laws now included

Similar to the blue light special provision, which was outlawed years ago, there is now also a red flag provision. As you probably recall, the blue light provision banned the sale of shoes as part of a blue light special sale. This typically occurred at only one department store chain, but was a popular way to buy shoes in large quantities. Socks, however, were not included in the law. People will still be able to buy unlimited pairs of socks to go with whatever shoes they already own.

Now, the Senate has included a red flag provision where, if the person is deemed to be very angry and on the verge of throwing a tantrum, any shoes they own can be taken from them and kept until they calm down. Again, nothing about socks, but, if you don’t have any shoes, there’s really no use for socks.

This looks to stem the violence from throwing shoes at other people when one is extremely irritated to the point of losing control of one’s own actions. Chances are, if they throw their socks at you, the damage will be much less.

Young Buyers

In addition, for those between the ages of 18 and 21, there are new hoops to jump through if they want to buy shoes on their own. They have to sign a form saying they aren’t going to use the shoes to hurt anyone else. And if they laugh or even smirk while signing, the owner can withhold the shoes for an additional five minutes, or until such time as the young adult puts on a serious face.

Those between the ages of 18 and 21 can still buy shoes, including military-style boots, without any other restrictions. However, the senators believe that forcing them to sign their name to the form will prevent them from using the shoes in an inappropriate manner.

Although, while passing this new legislation, the senators were quick to point out that they weren’t going to do anything to take away your right to own shoes, including military-style boots. They did this in an attempt to head off the opposition expected from the American Shoe Society of the Happy American Truebloods (ASS HATs). They were unsuccessful in that attempt.

The ASS HATs still came out in opposition, saying that any restriction on owning shoes, any regulation of shoes, and even any training requirement for owning shoes, is un-American. They were correct in pointing out that some Americans do not want any impediments to shoe ownership or to how they can use their shoes.

The Court strikes back

However, on the previous day, the Extreme Court (ECOTUS) ruled that no states may infringe on the right of a person to carry shoes in a concealed manner, whether it’s in a backpack, a purse, or stuffed in one’s pockets. There would be no need to justify why one would want to carry shoes in this way.

This clears the way for everyone, in every state, to be able to carry additional shoes either in their hands or in bags of any kind.

Several lawmakers in the affected states decried the ruling, saying it will no longer be safe to ride the trains or subways, not knowing who is carrying shoes that could be used to hurt them.

The auto industry came out in support of the ruling, as did the bicycle industry, both suggesting people buy more of their products and avoid the crowds that could now be considered dangerous.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in All Stories, Culture and Current Events, Fiction, Humor, Satire