I don’t think I love her like I used to. That’s normal, right? I mean, it’s the passage of time. Things can’t stay as strong as they once were. It is different though. She says things, the same things, but now they make me angry. I don’t know if I’m angry at her, or myself for being angry. I just know… I’m angry.
And since I can’t pinpoint that anger, it just pisses me off. When I’m pissed off, I want nothing more than to be on my own. But she just has this gnawing habit of never letting me be. It’s why I fell in love with her to begin with, but now it just makes me… angry. And again, I find myself wondering if it’s really her I’m angry at. I think I know the answer.
I think she resents me for not having kids. I think that’s why she hates me. It’s probably why everything has changed. All of our friends have started having kids grow. Most of them are getting to be as old as Chester. The only problem is that Chester is on his hind legs, literally and figuratively.
I see Chester sometimes as a physical metaphor for our relationship. This living being, dying, but kept alive because we’re both scared of being alone. Especially with each other. I think that’s how people view their kids. I try telling her that, but she won’t hear it. She thinks she can change my mind on this too.
I didn’t want to get married. I don’t even know if she really did either, at least not to me. Just like the kids, all of our friends started going through this process. I told her when I met her, “I don’t want to get married.” She didn’t either. Then, one day, it changed. Slowly, but surely.
She started showing me photos of people’s weddings. We started going to those weddings. She started dropping the comments. The hints. It was all a matter of time. I saw it coming. I’m not an idiot.
But I agreed. We planned it. It distracted us from our relationship. It was a financial crisis, that loomed over our heads for most of our marriage. It was fine, but it shouldn’t have cost that much. I shouldn’t have agreed.
She’s started showing me photos of people’s kids. Playing sports, having birthdays, even just having dinner. She even got me to agree to being some little fuck’s godfather. I can’t believe it’s today.
That’s the issue. It just comes up so fucking fast. All of it. Life and time. One minute, you’re in love. The next, you’re angry at the idea of being angry.
Now, I see her. She’s still asleep. Probably dreaming about a better life. I can’t afford to, but I do vaguely wish it was different. Do I love her? I think so. But it’s not the same. And when she finally asks me to have children, will our love remain this same? Or will it be a different, angrier, love?
She finally wakes up. She sees me, and smiles. Fuck. I smile back. I better get ready for that baptism.Recommended1 Simily SnapPublished in