Or, True Stories from a Dictionary
1. Coronado (noun) —
- A ‘resort city’ in California outside of San Diego.
My Croatian friend Zlata and I planned a trip to Coronado island but canceled when it was discovered that the Coronavirus had infected all the dogs on the island.
2. Hedychium Coronarium (noun) —
- A perennial flowering plant in the ginger family native to parts of Asia.
One of my Cuban friends, Joseantonio, once told me of the flower known as the mariposa or Hedychium Coronarium as our Latin teacher called it. She was a serial eavesdropper but also a florist who happened to infect all of her flowers with the Coronavirus. What a weird lady.
3. Coronagraph (noun) —
- A telescope which can see things very close to the sun by producing an artificial solar eclipse.
Yesterday morning my grandmother, infected by the Coronavirus and self-quarantining, directed me to open her tent so that she could see and I quote, “her grand-sun”. I was happy to hear her speak so highly of me! That is until she informed me that it was the “sun sun” she wished to see and not I, her “son’s son” at which point she pulled out a Coronograph to avoid sun/son-blindness before her imminent death –
That old witch.
4. Coronary (noun/adj.) —
- Obstruction of blood flow through the coronary artery by blood clot.
My mother, bless her soul, had her third Coronary this year. I hope she’ll pull through. If nothing else, her stay in the hospital should protect her from that virus that’s been going around… what was it again? My Czech friend Antonín said it’s spreading like wildfire and we won’t be able to do a thing before we’re all dead and zombified. I told him it couldn’t be that bad but he just wouldn’t listen! I think he’s got a thing for zombies and zombification, like more than an obsession you know? It’s like a fetish, not to become a zombie, but to kill them! A repressed desire — to fight for survival as the lone warrior hero in an apocalyptic battlefield. Some kind of mad max shit I assure you; he’d definitely go off the rails…
Ah! Coronavirus! That’s right. How could I be so daft.
5. Corona (noun) —
- The trumpet shaped outgrowth of the corolla of a daffodil aka narcissus flower.
The first flower my Latin teacher infected was the daffodil she grows in her back pocket. I never got the chance to ask her why but it was known among all the students that there was no changing her opinion on the matter — daffodils shall remain in the back pocket at all times and if they disobey, they will be immediately sent to the principal’s office and their parent dils notified. How strange then that I found a daffodil’s Corona in my front pocket after acing the final; was I to be beset by the Coronavirus by this carelessness? Only about five and a half days to two weeks may tell.
- Outermost region of the sun’s atmosphere which can be see as the white halo during eclipse.
My sister, who also took Latin, is a scientist and as a scientist she studies the natural world much like my grandmother. My parents don’t let her out much though, due to the spread of the Coronavirus and her weakened immune system, so she’s had a hard time studying from inside her study-bubble. She admires the sun you see and during every eclipse, she takes out her makeshift binoculars and observes said sun’s Corona through her distinctly ovular window. She should take up coding though, I’ve heard it’s popular with observational astronomers these days. Oh if only she’d listen!
6. Coronal (noun) —
- Flower arrangement consisting of a circular band of foliage or flowers for ornamental purposes.
Excerpted from my niece’s diary:
My favorite types of flowers are poppies. I love poppies and I love how they smell! My father used to let me eat the seeds fresh and whenever he did, I would fall asleep in his arms and he would carry me to bed and tuck me in real tight. Gosh I loved my daddy! Before he left, he made me a Coronal of poppies so that I’d always have something to remember him by. I was so sad when they took him away but mommy always said “it’s going to happen sooner or later so why not now?” Thankfully they left the rest of his poppy plants at home so they’re all mine for forever and ever. He even taught me what to do with them! I take my Cake-Baking-Made-Easy Lemon-Shortcake-Candy-Icing-Version knife and make a light scratch. He said that if I do that it would leak something… what’d he call it again? LaTex? Latex? Rubber gloves? Whatever! Which I should then scrape off and dry in the sun. It’s not very yummy but oh it feels so good! I bet those people suffering from that mean ol’ Coronavirus sure would love some of my latex juice. Nummy!
7. Coronach (noun) —
- A song or hymn of mourning composed or performed as a memorial to a dead person.
Last week I attended my great-uncle’s step-brother’s wife’s funeral. We were all so overcome with emotion when we heard she passed
the bar exam and was on her way to becoming a big time lawyer at an even bigger law firm. But now! All gone. There’s nothing left for her and all of us, myself included, are absolutely torn up about it. Hell, when my rabbi’s best friend’s church cantor sang the Coronach, we soaked the casket in tears. It was so beautiful! Although I must admit, I was torn up for more than one reason, a secret she’s taking to the grave. Despite her advanced age and my youthful virility, we were lovers loving lovingly in the basement — often using the tent my grandmother currently resides in to do our dirty work. And how intensely we did! We used to say we’d love the Coronavirus away staying down there for days at a time. Unfortunately, I became too hungry to keep it up and was ultimately the cause of her untimely demise. It was I who killed her but not by any foolish or murderous means — no, I killed her with neglect, neglect for our passion and neglect for anything other than myself, a modern narcissus. She died of heartbreak at the tender age of 71, may she rest in peace.
8. Coronation (noun) —
The ceremony of crowning a sovereign or a sovereign’s court.
Day 1: I attended the Spanish Prince’s Coronation amidst rumors of his sickness hoping to catch a glimpse of his royal posse. My best friend Eduardo, hated by all of my Catalonian friends, had recently joined their ranks having graduated at the top of his class and qualifying to be a big time posse-man. They were nice enough at first but quickly put on the squeeze. It was tough being in the group; none of them were keen to have more competition and most attempted to swallow him whole metaphorically speaking. He had no plans of being squished under the posse’s foot though — he was completely determined to show them his worth. And show them his worth he did; you should see him now! He’s the head of the gang outwitting them all for the Prince’s favor. It wasn’t necessarily political maneuvers he performed, rather he stepped up to the plate and hit every appointment out of the park. My very own homerun hero, three cheers for Eduardo!
Day 2: Eduardo still hasn’t shown. I slept outside all night, keeping social distance at all times — this being Spain, two meters apart. I miss the companionship of my fellows and even more so of my great-uncle’s step-brother’s wife. Her comfort brought me joy, serenity, and most of all passion! But now, as I wait, I realize those may never be found again. I can tell, these other ceremony-goers feel the same; all of us trying desperately to find our friends, friends in each other or friends in ourselves metaphorically speaking again. Woe is me! I suppose it’s not the posse’s job to make sure we’re happy but I can’t help but blame them for my suffering. I’m here to support them after all, the least they could do is support me back. Isn’t there someone we can talk to, some way we can reach out? That damn posse!
Day 2.5: Cats are looking mildly appealing now. And I’m allergic! What’s variety but a spice? I’m sorry, I haven’t eaten in 2.114 days. I’m beginning to hunger.
Day 2.91: For human flesh?
Day 3: It’s happening! And Eduardo has become King? Or am I hallucinating? Eduardo handed me a kingly letter written by his kingly hand. I suppose I must bow now and obey his kingly order.
9. Coronata (noun) —
- ‘Crowned’ in Latin.
I was never a great student of Latin so all I can say for this one is that Coronata means crowned. Does that count? I worked for one of those dictionary companies briefly but yesterday was a long time ago. They fired me when they found I had swabbed some Coronavirus and spread it around the building – for some reason they were upset! I was simply trying to immunize everyone I don’t understand their immediate concerns. Heck, the CEO’s own secretary volunteers for people with special needs — my immunization scheme would have surely helped inoculate them as well! Ah who needs em. We’ll do our own dang proliferation and spread the immunization across all of America… and maybe Spain too with Eduardo’s help. That’s the ultimate goal no? With such a scheme, we will surely conquer all.
- Also part of the scientific name of a few species of bird.
There’s the Setophaga Coronata and the Yellow-Rumped Warbler (Dendroica Coronata) and the Paroaria Coronata and the Hemiprocne Coronata to name a few. Don’t you like the birds? Aren’t they pretty? Just a few examples I found. I love birds too! Sometimes I feed them my niece’s poppy seeds and they go absolutely crazy. I think you should love birds too. If you don’t here’s a picture of one. See? Aren’t they pretty? They have a crown just like that prince and my best friend. Doesn’t that make sense? They’re the rulers of the bird world if you ask me. They can’t get the
Coronavirus either! Or so I hope. I would hate to misguide you my feathery friends especially when it comes to building your own quarantine-viaries™ because I think we all should. For all the birds. They chirp and eat and shit and love and they’re my absolute favorite. Don’t you love birds too?
- Also, also a renowned vineyard of Toussaint in the Witcher 3.
I hadn’t played Witcher 3 yet but my Chinese friend Xiaoyi told me I should. So I did. I played the whole goddamn game looking for Coronata this or Coronata that but I never found a thing. I nearly gave up! I got so angry with her that I threatened to kill her. Isn’t that funny? Isn’t it? She told me it was DLC and I laughed and laughed. It was a good time. Now I’m a wino but not because of the game. Ha! Isn’t that grand? Isn’t it ironic? And don’t get me started on the sun’s Corona… My grandmother is blind, her Coronagraph is useless, how about that? This whole thing will give me a Coronary and then I’ll be in the hospital instead of my mother. I might live or I might die, it wouldn’t matter. Ha! No more Coronado for me nor Zlata, bury me to a Coronach with a Coronal of Hedychium Coronarium or Coronae of daffodils — I’ll join your matriarchs Joseantonio. I’ll come back to life, zombified, with Antonín at my side, and drag everyone to the grave. Coronate me Eduardo, for I will be your Coronavirus King! Haha!
10. Coronaria (noun) —
- An innovative (per their website) healthcare company in Finland.
— Tiedätkö mitä vitun Sepiä? Ne yritykset, jotka mainostavat itseään edistyksellisinä ja innovatiivisina, mutta eivät voi pitää sormea pois aasinsa pelkääessään tehdä jotain todella radikaalia.
— Olet oikeassa.
— Joo? Luuletko niin??
— Aina mies. Tapasin tämän yrityksen toisena päivänä juuri niin! Mitä se oli…?
— En tiedä miestä, jonka sanot minulle –
— Ei, se oli kysymys itselleni, pahoittelen sekaannusta.
— Vai niin. Joo. Olet hyvä mies Sepi.
— Kiitos. Uhh corona jotain.
— Kuten virus?
— Joo, mutta vähemmän pandemia-y.
— Vähemmän ystävällisiä. Lisää olutta.
— Kuten tuo meksikolainen juttu??
— Niitä todella valmistetaan Meksikossa, mutta omistaa Beligum-olutyhtiö.
— Ei paskaa!!!
— Joo. Corona… coronaaaa…
— Voit tehdä sen ihminen –
— Luulen, että olen kuullut heistä.
— Joo. Yksi heidän verkkosivuillaan olevista kuvista kuvaa tätä kammottavaa persepoikaa.
— Joo. Katso?
— Todellakin.Recommended1 Simily SnapPublished in