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What to do when you’re too depressed with the world to function as a living human being

With pictures

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

Hi, this is your life advice coach speaking, and, speaking from personal experience, you’re in a rut right now aren’t you? Struggling to get out of bed? Staying in the shower a little too long? I understand. I’ve been there; we’ve all been there.

Photo by Nine Köpfer on Unsplash

A kitten to brighten your day. Not a big fan of cats? That’s fine. Here’s a baby turtle:

Not feeling these cute animals? Really, it’s fine! There’s always other cute things, animals or otherwise. And hey. That’s what I’m your coach for. To coach. And coaching is what I’m good at.

But first let me tell you a little story. A story about me. I began my coaching career at the tender age of 9, coaching a team of six year olds through West Coach City’s third tic-tac-toe championship. My coaching partner, now rival, led the opposing team. We were down o’s to x’s, fighting desperately, hugs and kisses. My star toe’r stepped out leaving our last hope, Nick the tic, left to play. I sat him down and said “Nick, you may not be our best but you’re our brightest. Shine on you crazy diamond!” Nick dove in head first, suddenly motivated by newfound stardom. He exclaimed “I’ll show those o’s!” and the crowd went wild. He made his move, the crosses aligned; our x’s came back and we won (much to my partner’s dismay)! My status thus cemented: coach extraordinaire.

Motivated yet? No? How about another picture?

Alright, let’s get serious. You know what you need to do? Get out of bed. And once you get out of bed, put on a shirt. Not a smelly shirt but a nice one, soft but not too soft. No pants yet we’re not done. Now stretch realllllly high. Higher. Higher yet! Stretch so high you can touch the sky! Take it off.

Put on a different shirt, this one nicer than before but not the nicest in your wardrobe; we’ll save the best for last. Next, pick out a pair of pants that makes you think of your childhood home and give the duo a whiff. Yes. That’s right. A deep, complete sniff; vacuum those nether regions, suck up that air! Envelop yourself in their nostalgic bouquet: smell the dandelions and wild flowers, the smoke from a fire cracker hastily thrown.

Your memories an olfactory deluge!

Now put them on your head and go back to bed.

Follow the following steps faithfully:

  1. If you haven’t already, remove all sheet coverings and lie directly on top of the mattress.
  2. Reapply the sheet coverings on top further fusing yourself with the bed.
  3. Kill all bed bugs and bugs’ beds.
  4. Bury the dead.
  5. Explore your surroundings. Are they comfy? Cottony? Cacophonous? Moist?
  6. If they’re not moist, apply moisture. If they are, you can skip the following steps and proceed to step 10.
  7. Listen to the moisture. Record its thoughts and admire the beauty with which it speaks.
  8. Remind the moisture that your time is almost up and that you get paid by the hour.
  9. Burst through the coverings and remain perfectly upright.

If step 9 proves unsuccessful, please return to step 6 and try again but with more moisture.

Now how do you feel? Better I hope?

Regardless of your emotional state, get out of bed again. Hop in the shower and shower for exactly 7.27 seconds and not a second, millisecond, or femtosecond more. Step out and disrobe to air dry. Leave your clothes in a pile for your roommate, mom, dad, siblings, coaching partner, auntie, nuncle, step-children, half-daughters, third-cousin, or fiancee’s twin to find them. If your clothing is found by an unlisted party and miraculously disappears, then perhaps neither existed in the first place and you shouldn’t bother any of them in nonexistence. Escape!

Enter a new world, born again, and bask naked in vibrant sunshine.

Return to your bedroom having basked your fill. Bring a giant pot of bone broth to boil and hire a world class chef. Dress them in cap and gown and listen as they announce a newfound appreciation for the life of a lobster in a moving graduation speech. Thank the chef for their moving speech and ask them kindly to grab your nicest clothes, your coaching clothes, from the broth. Escort the chef from your room, thank them again, and close the door, thanking it too.

Exclaim “there is good!” and let the echo fade.

  10. Don your duds and metamorphose into a motivational coach – the best there is!

Congratulations! Thank you for rejecting instrumentality. <3

Now you know, the cycle complete.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in All Stories, Contemporary Fiction, Culture and Current Events, Fiction, Humor, Non-Fiction, Self-Help

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