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Uncertainty Collection: What Happened?

Everything started out so well. We were happy. I was happy, but things have changed. I don’t know why or how or what provoked the change. Nothing is the same anymore. He was so sweet always giving compliments. Making sure I knew how special and loved I was. So affectionate and caring. What happened? It was all well and good for one and a half years. I could do no wrong. Everything was perfect. No complaints about who I was. I was perfect.

Things are different now. Backhanded compliments. Name-calling and bullying. Being made fun of. Always the butt of the joke. Nothing I do is good enough. Always doing something wrong. I am no longer perfect. The same person I was all that time ago nothing different. Little affection unless it is provoked. I am no longer special. So many things I should change. Not for the bettering of me, but to please him. I don’t want to change.

I sit here typing this. Tears biting at my eyes. I can’t let him see what he does to me. I speak up and am put down. Does it get through? Does he know I am serious? I can no longer fake happiness. It is too exhausting pretending. Stepping around the eggshells. Watching everything I do and say. Avoiding arguments at all costs. A smile on my face that never meets my eyes. Trying to distract myself from this reality. Surrounded by support and caring words. I question so much.

I love him. I do. This is not normal though. I should not feel this way. I should not be treated this way. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve better. I want him to be better. I love him. I need better. I should be happy. Suppose it’s stupid hoping he will wake up and change. Every day I hope for this change to show. A small change has come, but not what I need. It all needs to change. I am putting in so much work. I can only hope he does the same. For now, I hope. I can’t take this much longer. I want to save this. I want to be happy with him again. Please. Is that too much to ask?

I don’t know what to do.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in Non-Fiction, Poetry