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A Driving Story (A.K.A. Unlicensed Operation of  a Motor Vehicle by an Ophidean)

A Driving Story

Imagine if you will, a day, a good day, you are driving down the road, it’s seventy five degrees, window down, listening to the dulcet tones of Disturbed on the radio, arm hanging out the window as you tap in beat to the music with a billion miles of clear blue sky above, when you run over a snake, at first you thought he was a wire run across the road because it’s reaching from the white line to the center with room to spare, this is the first snake you’ve seen all year and you just ran him over, it is at this point that the snake (We will call him ‘That Bastard’) is whipped up off the road and slaps into your arm.

In shock and surprise at the sudden impact you whip your arm back inside the truck, accidentally by chance dragging ‘that Bastard’ in with you,

All six plus feet of him.

Now you are unaware if ‘that Bastard’ is actually dead, or just hurt and really pissed off.

You are also unaware if ‘that Bastard’ is in fact venomous or not, only that he is now in your truck with you and it’s better to err on the side of AAAAH SNAKE!

In game terms this would be considered a ‘Random Encounter’ and as a prolific gamer you did what came naturally and engaged him in hand to… eer… not hand combat.

You bravely lunge for the door, ready and willing to relinquish possession of the vehicle to ‘that Bastard’ but the bedamned child safety function keeps it secured while in gear and motion.

And by the way, WHY THE THUNDERING HELL IS THERE A CHILD SAFETY LOCK ON THE DRIVERS DOOR! Is there a rash of prepubescent children driving down the road that you don’t want opening the doors we don’t know about?

Let’s be clear, you don’t want ‘Child Safety’ on your door, you would prefer an ejector seat to launch you into the upper atmosphere to get away from ‘That Bastard’

You’re not entirely sure of the entire scope of the conflict over the next nine billion hours, but you do have several moments of recollection where ‘That Bastard’ was in your lap and you were driving, where ‘That Bastard’ was around your neck and he was driving, where you are in the back of the crew cab and nobody was driving.

Unlawful operation of a motor vehicle by an unlicensed Ophidian and Jesus take the wheel moments aside you finally manage to pin ‘That Bastard’ to the roof of the vehicle while you beat at him frantically with a half filled two liter mountain dew bottle only to realize that you are unaware of where ‘that Bastards’ head actually is in relation to your hand that is currently holding him, so in a moment of sheer brilliance you sling ‘that Bastard’ out the still open window…

And directly into the open top of a passing Mazda miata convertible with a horrible paint job, mismatched wheels and a driver with a particularly bad comb over.

If you can imagine such a scenario, in a purely hypothetical situation, should you pull over and render aid… or keep driving and pretend it never happened?

I have a… friend… that wants to know.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in Adventure, Humor, Memoir, Non-Fiction, True Story