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Where I Belong

“Sounds, lights, and negative energies feel like intruders into the serene darkness that precisely defines my life; a life that is walled by the fragile veneer of emotions. These invisible intruders feel like piercing thorns in my chest that get stuck on the walls of my heart until I drag myself back in the gloom that feels safe and comforting. This safe place is where my metaphysical self feels like a Kadupul flower in its habitat.

But, the sounds I shut myself off from keep echoing in my head, hitting the mountains of my raw thoughts, causing disruption. And, then.. I have no choice but to live with this disruption that goes away on its own and come back uninvited. This keeps me bouncing between my safe place and the outside world with thorns and hurting rocks, trying to make peace with the latter one, but I keep winding up finding solace in solitude.

However, it was not always like this. As a child, times of despair did visit me seldom. But, they were too disturbing to be spent in solitude. The self-talk back then was often turned into weepy supplications, trying to bring lights into those times.

As I grew older, I became well-acquainted with the shadows of gloom that often lingered over me – the gloom that was not so serene then. And, I invented my own strange ways to deal with them. It was the time I always chose noise over quietness, and light over darkness. It was the time when my heart was as fragile as a thin sheet of glass carefully fixed in a delicate frame that was my body. A body I was not aware was strong enough to endure a load I never knew existed. It was the time I learned to swim. And, in the desire for exploration, I, without considering the repercussions, jumped into the ocean of life.

Swimming through the ocean; I unearthed a beautiful shell protecting a bewitching delicate-pink gem that felt like mine and only mine. The vibrations and energies emitting out of this gem bloomed the flowers of strange peace and love in my heart. But, little did I know that the rarest gems like these cannot be in someone’s possession until they truly belong to that particular person. And, was I really that person? No. And, I found that out when I stumble onto the truth that no matter how much the gem loved my possession and how much I love the coexistence, it does not belong to the world I belong to, and this coexistence is nothing but a fool’s paradise. And, as soon as that reality hit me hard, I reluctantly, in good faith, slipped it away into the waters to reach where it belongs. And, that’s when I realized for the first time that sometimes we purposely lose things and they are lost forever. And, only then do we come to know the real value of our lost assets. But, somehow I was content with a firm belief in destiny. So, I kept swimming – sometimes at low tides, sometimes at high tides – fighting through my way to get to a place where I belong, battling with all kinds of fishes; big, small, fierce, not-so-dangerous, and tricky. But, also gaining some valuable treasures along the way that helped me subside the soreness of losing an asset – a gem that felt like mine even when lost.

While I was weary and exhausted in the ocean, an island appeared right when I was in the middle of nowhere. It did not take me long enough to decide to stop, breathe in the fresh air, and explore the other side of life. The island had a tall, cheerfully shaggy tree, full of heavenly-smelling flowers but with thorns so sharp that could give anyone a deep cut even on the slightest touch. The thorns were not visible from the distance, and the unusual tree with low-hanging lovely fruits of various kinds felt like a strange bliss and the sole reason why I opted to stop and stay. This unorthodox tree was sending me vibes of bliss, but, as I got closer and spent more time on the rocky island with tree branches spread all over it, I noticed the thorns produce some strange kinds of sounds and lights when I pass by them – sounds that feel like pins and needles.

These pointy thorns on the branches and leaves of the tree are what making it challenging for me to enjoy the sweet fruits and the sweet fragrance the tree produces. However, the blissful vibes and cool, scented breeze on the island on nights of despair are something that keeps me going. And, I can enjoy solitude in my safe zone where the thorns can’t reach me, and where the land is smooth and comforting.

Now that I am sitting on the edge of an island on a quiet, dark night, I wonder if this is really where I belong?!

If yes, then why does the contentment of solitude and the blissful vibes entering me sometimes transform into a gut-wrenching scream that needs an escape from the inside. Gazing at the waves, why does my chaotic mind sometimes fancies finding the same shell I once left hold of in the waters, just to open it and feel that gem, like I never did before, knowing it is not mine? Maybe because even the thought of it feels like a consoling pat on the back when feelings of nostalgia or anxiety strike. Maybe because the less the chances of possessing something, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this thing has. Maybe because human brains love unpredictably. Maybe because these thoughts help me escape my reality?

And then, there comes a sudden splashing wave that brings me back to the reality, and I notice the beautiful baby plants that started growing, after I planted the seeds of sweet fruits under the tree, are getting taller and endearing, producing a unique and airy fragrance – a fragrance so overpowering that it mutes the sounds and the negative energies the thorns produce and eases off the pricking pain they give me. The most amazing part is that the charismatic flowers on these plants bloom when they see me; their blossom gives me a sense of self-worth. And, that’s when something on the spot hit me hard – a realization: “nothing in life that makes it blissful comes easy. The greatest pleasures in life always come with bristles that you have to shave off carefully by yourself to make the pleasure worthwhile. And, these pleasures are where you belong; not the ones you left behind. Sometimes you do not belong to any place or person. So, the quest to find where I belong seems futile. Because, now I know, it is ME who I belong to, and it is everywhere I belong to.”.”

She stopped writing and put down her diary. With this beautiful realization, she laid down in solitude once again in her safe zone, relishing the blackness of the night with fleeting thoughts until she drifted away.

Recommend0 Simily SnapsPublished in All Stories, Memoir, Non-Fiction, True Story

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