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Rambo to the Rescue Thanks to the Deadly Doorbell

Everything in the home is now Wi-Fi enabled. How about the Wi-Fi-connected Music streaming light bulb?

Wifi-enabled music streaming bulbs pack all sorts of visual effects to add to your synesthetic experience

My synesthetic experience has the knob cranked up to 11.

One of the old standbys in the Internet of Things is the Video Doorbell. It offers “dual-band Wi-Fi, optional wired connectivity, and can interact with lots of third-party smart home devices.” So theoretically it can share information and interact with the other security cameras, home speakers, the Nest thermostat, the refrigerator, the washing machine, and critically the disc-shaped robot vacuum cleaner I will call Rambo.

Porch Pirates Begone

People are using your porch like a smorgasbord, stealing a few small boxed appetizers then going in for the TV set you ordered or the golf clubs. You can use your phone to talk through your Video Doorbell and frighten these desperados:

“Unhand that box of prophylactics scofflaw!” or

“Begone vile porch pirate, back to your festering archipelago!”

But that is not very effective and just causes hoots and guffaws. So I propose a two-pronged solution both nifty and crafty. Imagine a porch teeming with lawbreakers intent on several boxes of recently delivered cutlery.

You have installed a Wi-Fi-enabled doorbell system preloaded by linguistic engineers with statements that will rattle the self-esteem of the burglars who so often are the products of poor upbringing and a diet of fast food. The engineers consulted the blog “Bustle” and slightly modified the listicle:

15 Things Psychologists Wish You Knew Can Gradually Destroy Self-Esteem

Doorbell Statement One (Delivered in the voice of a concerned therapist): You are surrounded by toxic people who abuse or neglect you!

Doorbell Statement Two: Negative self-talk has you spiraling down the hole of negative thought!

Doorbell Statement Three: Your world is getting smaller each time you habitually give in to your fears!

Doorbell Statement Four: Failure has become your identity and is pummeling your self-esteem.

Doorbell Statement Five: You have internalized that you lack the basic right or dignity to assert your preferences.

The Five Doorbell maxims hit their mark. The robbers are milling about lost in a maelstrom of negative thoughts. It is time to deploy the Finishing Move. Through an artfully crafted door flap, from the bowels of the dining room, the Ring Doorbell summons the Rambo 4, a robot vacuum cleaner cunningly designed to resemble a pit bull.

The Wi-Fi-enabled Home Stereo system goes live and the Rambo4 snarls and growls at 50 decibels as it pursues the criminal crew. Then the system plays “Who Let the Dogs Out” at 120 decibels. This alerts the neighbors to call 911. Finally, the Doorbell signals Rambo4 to deploy a taser from each paw rendering the lawbreakers impotent and immobile until John Law arrives. The police sweep up the shattered egos and spread eagle the bruised ids.


Thanks to the Internet of Things and its Rear Admiral the Video Doorbell, home burglary is a vague memory of yesteryear. Now we must do something about the refrigerator, it is just too big for its britches.

Recommended1 Simily SnapPublished in All Stories, Fiction, Humor