Not Even Magic Can Get You Out of the Friendzone
Prologue: Poison…
Author: Robert Duran
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Prologue: Poison Ivey
A little girl and boy walked through the forest alone. They were unaware of my presence. However, if they were going to the spot I was thinking of, then I would need to make myself known. Unfortunately, not many people believed the story of my friend. The feat she is rumored to have pulled off in our world is considered impossible. Today she’s a myth. Nothing more than a nursery rhyme that children sing.
“Poison Ivey, Poison Ivey, poisoned the minds of the witches. Poison Ivey, Poison Ivey, tore God’s heart out. It’s in stitches. She travels throughout time. Looking for a way to stop this rhyme. You see should it finish; she’ll be alone. Trapped forever, in the friendzone. She abides by no rules. Using her magic to kill proud fools. Should she escape, the cost will be great. Get out of the forest before it’s too late.”
Don’t even get me started on the remixes that have spawned throughout the years. I can’t tell you exactly how many I’ve heard. Although I can tell you how furious they all made me. Furious enough to question if human beings should exist. I’m not exaggerating either. For you see, I have the power to wipe them out. In my world, I am a god. One who experienced the impossible.
It was a perfect day up until those kids showed up. The Autumnal Equinox was upon us. Crisp air floated up into my nostrils, officially signaling that it was my favorite season. Mainly because Halloween was a few weeks away. Personally, it was my favorite holiday. Ivey loved it too.
Everyone who heard her legend knew that and the equinox to the holiday was the busiest time of the year for me. People like those kids were the reason why and I was tired of it. So tired that I decided to ignore it and deduce that they were simply going for a walk to enjoy the season. I almost went into denial when they got in close, and I could hear what they were saying.
“So, she only kills proud fools, right?” The girl asked. “That’s what the song says.” The boy answered. “Then since we’re not proud, she won’t kill us.” There was relief in her voice. “Oh come on, you sound like you actually believe it.” He said laughing. “Well, there’s no evidence proving it doesn’t exist.” “Get real, gods don’t fall in love. Witches have been trying since the beginning and none have succeeded.”
I sighed and told my body to stand up, but it disobeyed me. “Welp, looks like I’m too tired.” I muttered. However, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t talking to myself. “Just give me another minute, ok?” Something rustled in the bushes next to me and I sighed again. “Please?” “Sorry, no can do.” The black said as she poked her head out of the bushes.
I turned my back to her. “Look, I’ll get on it. Just give me a little more nap time.” She placed her paw on my shoulder. “Hey, I’m not the one forcing you to wake up.” “Feels like it. Now shoo, until you bring me back something for lunch.” “Like this?” I turned back around to find a basket of fish next to her. She was already nibbling on one of them.
My grumbling stomach is what finally motivated me to get to my feet. “Why must you do this to me, Bridget?” “Well, I can’t do it on my own. I’m too small and cute. They’ll think I’m a stray and take me home with them. If they don’t see my tag and try to kill me first.” I leaned against a nearby tree. “I wouldn’t let it come that.” “You mean after your extra minute of nap time?” “Naturally.”
The kids were almost at Ivey’s spot. Now was the time to act if I wanted to save them in time. If it were Halloween itself then I would have to sprint but since the season was new, the process would take a little longer. Giving me enough time to mosey over there.
“Are you sure this is the spot?” “The girl asked. “Oh yeah, this is poison ivy alright. I’ve seen it.” He chuckled then continued his story. “Did I ever tell you about my cousin, Regina?” “Um, no. I thought I knew all your cousins.” “We don’t talk about Regina. Not after what happened to her.” The girl gulped. “W- wh- wh- what happened?” “Oh yeah. You see, everyone says poison ivy makes you itchy to deter you from walking into it.” He grabbed her by the shoulder and kneeled her down along with him.
“Apparently, it’s a curse the Ivey put on the plant to keep people from coming after her. Some people do avoid it for that reason but the rest of us because they don’t want to be up all night scratching. Then one day, I was playing with Regina in these very woods. Now she was a strong girl, immune to everything including poison ivy. So, I dared her to prove it and she walked into it.”
The girl looked completely stunned. “And then what?” An evil grin sprawled across his face. “Then Ivy’s hands rose from the ground and pulled her into it with her.” She gasped and tried to run away but he grabbed her arm to stop her. “I think I hear her calling. Want to meet her?” “Um, no.” “Sure you do!” He tried to throw her in, but I grabbed her by the other arm and prevented it.
“Who are you?” “It’s your lucky day kids. I’m here to tell you the real story of Ivey.” The girl looked even more shocked, but the boy didn’t believe me one bit. “Real story?” He asked. “Of course, she was my friend. A witch caused a god to fall in love with her. It really is possible.” I gently grabbed hold of one of the leaves and called out to her. “Ivey, it’s me Wulfhelm. Please, tell us the truth of what happened to you.”
The bush started to rustle on its own, shocking the children. I let go of the girl allowing them both to run away screaming. Neither of them looked back as Bridget came walking out of the bush. “Aw, that’s all it ever takes to send them running. I wish we’d meet someone who doesn’t freak out so easily. I want to use step two at some point.”
I raised my eyebrow at her. “Step two? What’s step two?” She smiled at me and vines from the bush wrapped itself around my arms and legs. “Follow me.” She ran into it as I was dragged. Next thing I knew we were floating in a realm of pure darkness for about a minute. Then grey light shined all around us and storm clouds rolled in.
Thunder roared and the sound of ghostly moans covered for them until the next rumble. Looking around I saw shadows slowly walking around us in the distance. Our vision was limited to the point that I couldn’t make out any of their features. Even though I was a god, I didn’t feel like one in that realm. I don’t know how but it was like my immortality had disappeared. My instinct told me to be careful with everything I did.
It was all so nerve wracking that I couldn’t think of anything to say or do until everything around us dissolved back into reality. Only we weren’t in the same place. We were in a house, and someone was sleeping in their bed. A lone woman who I recognized but hadn’t seen in a long time. My friend Ivey.
With my arms and legs free, I fell to my knees on the verge of tears and tried to shake her awake. “Ivy! Ivy! Open your eyes, please!” “She can’t wake up right now.” Bridget said. “What?! Why?!” “She is coming to terms with her situation. Until then, she won’t be able to interact with anyone as she’s lost in her own mind and can only be found herself.”
I stood there unsure of what to do as I remembered everything that happened…
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