PROLOGUE Hello. It’s me, Emily. It’s now almost 12 years after I was raped by 2 of the UW-Green Bay soccer players, with 2 in…
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PROLOGUE Hello. It’s me, Emily. It’s now almost 12 years after I was raped by 2 of the UW-Green Bay soccer players, with 2 in…
Hello. It's me, Emily.
It's now almost 12 years after I was raped by 2 of the UW-Green Bay soccer players, with 2 in association. This story in my real account of what happened so here’s your trigger warning. It’s not pretty and I did not leave out details to make this a reader friendly book. It is extremely graphic.
Writing this was not easy. In fact, it has taken me almost two years to complete. I had to relive every moment in order to get it out of my head. This is how I healed. I had all of this bottled up and it cost me a lot of sanity, friendships and relationships. I had to let these thoughts and memories out in some way. I needed to have release. This book was my only way. I am still healing after all these years but every day is a new day and a new chance.
The names of friends, my roommates and people I associated with have been changed due to keeping everyone's privacy. I am only here to share my story, not drag people through the dirt.
The names of the boys that assaulted me, however, have remained as is and so have their countries of origin. Their actions are what need to be told.
I have found them on social media and they are all thriving. One actually showed up at my work recently but he didn’t recognize me. But I did. I looked straight into his eyes to see if he could remember what he did. He saw nothing. He did not even remember my name. How sad is that?! You help participate in ruining someone’s life and then you get to completely move on like it never happened.
Must be nice for those boys.
That’s exactly what they are, boys, and that’s exactly what they will always be.
Men do not rape women, especially with the amount of force and brutality that I experienced.
If you need to talk to someone, reach out to me via social media. I will ALWAYS respond back and will ALWAYS advocate for you.
Out of whatever respect he deserves (which is not much), I changed the name of my ex, his family members and his friends. As horrible as he was to me, he still is a human and I hope that he has grown up from his ways. He taught me a lot about what I like and am drawn to sexual. Our relationship also showed me how easily attached I become and how I’m willing to let go when things are unhealthy. I have since grown from this and will continue to grow.
College. I FINALLY made it! I'm free from my parents' ever watching eye and attempts to completely control me. I cannot believe this day is here.
First, I just have to put up with the parentals moving me into my dorm. I haven't met my roommate yet so I beg the universe that she's quasi normal. Honestly, I just want someone that wants to be party partner since my best friend is going to school 3.5 hours away. I don't think I'll survive without her. We did EVERYTHING together this summer. Is it wrong to say that I regret that I didn't apply to go to school with her? Never mind. That's borderline obsessive and stalkerish. Totally not who I am.
Anyways. Why the fuck am I being so emotional!? This is exactly what I wanted. Freedom. I've longed for this since I turned 13. Here I am, 18 and able to spread my wings. I should probably check my phone since it's been vibrating for the past hour with messages with these kids I met through our preview day of the campus.
So, I guess an introduction is needed? I don't know if that's even a thing for a blog. Hi? I'm Emily but I absolutely cannot stand my name. I go by Emma because Emily is way too fucking proper. Like, I'm not some book nerd that's hiding in the library 24/7 with no friends. No, I'm the girl at every house party that is snagging numbers like I'm stealing candy. Yes, that sounds super slutty but whatever. I'm enjoying my body the way I want to. I basically have lived two lives for so long; my parents are like Nazis and have to know everything but don't care enough to listen to me. Not my problem that they are so centered around their own lives and maintaining this image of perfection. They're good people, don't get me wrong. They just do not and will not understand me. I'm sick of fighting with them about it. THANK GOD those days are over.
Anyways... I'm now officially a Phoenix. Kind of fitting the whole burning from the ashes and starting fresh is kind of my life. I'm a theatre major and with an undecided minor. The plan to get the hell out of this stupid Midwest state and move to California. I belong there. Cliche, I know but I'm being serious. Ever since my high school freshman band trip (didn't join band by full choice) to LA and San Diego, my heart has been stuck on living there. Pretty sure my ex (total douchebag that cheated on me and left me the day of my ACL surgery...fucker) is going to get stationed there. Maybe I have a chance to get him back. DO NOT TELL ANYONE I MENTIONED THAT! It's gross that I still want him.
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Met my roommate, Jenn. Such an awkward person. I don't think she's going to fill the void. She's a chemistry major and I'm pretty sure she's going to be glued to studying. Lame. So glad that I'm not pursuing a degree that's going to heavy on the studying. I don't want to waste my time with books and late nights that require thinking. I just want to enjoy the extra curriculars of college. I
t sucks this campus banned Greek Life years ago otherwise I would try to rush a sorority. Mom and both of my grandmas were Greek. Doubt that my dad ever was. Whatever. I'm just glad I got to our room first and staked claim to the bottom bunk. Don't need a drunk accident trying to climbing to bed after being out! See, I have some smarts about me.
I should be honest, I'm quite smart. I graduated in the top 3% of my class and excelled in all my AP classes. I actually have the majority of my undergrad credits completed already. I’m technically a sophomore but since I was never “enrolled” as a college student, I’m still considered a freshman. Complicated, I know. Trust me, I made college so much easier on myself by doing that. I just don't want people to know that because who wants to be friends with a nerd. Nerds never have fun. Call me superficial but I give a shit about what people think about me to some extent. Being popular matters.
So there's two RAs. One for my floor and one for the bottom floor. The bottom floor one is ALREADY on my nerves. She barely said two words but the words she did speak pissed me off. She's heavy on room checks. Um, I'm sorry. This is college, not the fucking military. The other RA is on my floor. He seems to be alright so far. Based off first impressions, he might let things slide. We shall see how much I can get away with him.
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Tonight was okay. I was forced to do dorm activities as ice breakers. One of the girls on my floor is a cheerleader for our NFL team. She might make my friend list. To be determined. Some of the guys are okay, none that I feel like pursuing. The other girls just seem so immature and I question how the hell they even have friends. Like it's 2010, who wears cartoon shirts, cargo pants and bright colors anymore?! It's black, leopard print and skinny jeans. Duh. Snooki is the queen of fashion and I aspire to capture every essence of her.
I'm not looking forward to starting classes tomorrow. Seriously, yawn. I guess the bright side is to see what guy candy there is. I hate this single life. Douche face and I had a plan and everything. He "could not handle being stuck on a couch all summer". His words, not mind. Like, excuse me. Way to be the supportive boyfriend when your girlfriend went through major knee surgery. I WAS ONLY ON MY COUCH FOR A WEEK! I was back to running my daily 3 miles a month after my surgery. And to sleep with someone that I thought was a close friend. So classy sir. So classy. And to lie about it to my face?! This bitch also lied about it! I saw all the pictures of them making out at some house party. They will regret every moment because I will not forgive that easily.
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I'm going to hate my theatre professor. The arrogance about her is disgusting. Sorry, that you're a washed-up wannabe that didn't make it. And the nerve to say that having a theatre degree isn't going to help land acting jobs. Um, the fuck it does! It shows you're educated in the different methods and have the ability to learn your part properly. Jesus, it's going to be a long semester.
My psych professor is probably going to be my favorite. I'm 90% sure he was utterly stoned during today's lecture. If he wasn't, then he's tripping on something. Not looking forward to his weekly tests though. It kind of killed his stoner professor vibe. But hell, maybe I'll enjoy his class enough to care.
So, I think I'm getting together with those kids from my preview day tonight. We texted about grabbing dinner before the soccer game tonight.
Yeah, this school doesn't have a football team because of being only miles away from the NFL team. Therefore, soccer is like the “it” sport around here. Never have been a soccer fan but I guess it's time I became one. Some of those players...oof, the things I would do! Some of them being foreign exchange schools makes the desire to chase even stronger. I think two of them are in my psych class. I need to find out if any party. If so, I need to get in with them so I can go to these parties. That would make this college living absolutely perfect. Maybe being single is not going to be horrible after all.
--- --- ---
That soccer game was incredible! We won! I had zero idea of what was happening on the field but I still had a great time. I pre-gamed with the preview day kids.
I should really stop saying "preview day kids". They have names, obviously. There's a set of boy twins, Jake and Tom. Gino is Tom's roommate. The girls are Clarissa and April. They all have same intentions I do: party as fucking hard as possible during our college years. Finally, I think my "lack of a best friend" void is filled! And we caught word of the soccer team's off campus party house! There's going to be something this weekend and I cannot wait. This week is going to drag until then.
Currently avoiding algebra homework because when am I ever going to use this after I graduate? I have probably 2 hours of biology homework to do as well plus an introduction essay for English Comp. Talk about a work load. I thought high school was rough. This is going to be my death. Why did I agree to do all my first year classes last year?! This is nuts and I’ll probably have a mentally breakdown before midterms. But, I guess I should get going on this crap before it gets too late.
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Dorm Olympics are this afternoon. Basically, all the dorms compete against each other in different events. None are drinking events. Sucks. But my dorm, Sally Hall, was assigned the color blue. We just finished tie dying t-shirts for it. But blue? Ew. I don't own anything blue but jeans, even though my high school colors were blue and gold. I don’t why I didn’t bring any of my cheer, track or volleyball shirts with me. They would have been so useful for this. Luckily cheerleader, Brittany, had plenty of shorts I was able to borrow. She's going to be at the soccer house this weekend as well! I knew I was going to like her! I still had my volleyball socks so she and I are wearing those with our outfits because we need to look intimating. Who am I kidding. It's an excuse to look cute for this stupid event. At least my ass looks good in these shorts. Maybe I can grab some male attention. This is the longest I've gone without sex. My fuck buddy is back home and is a total loser but he was always available for a good time when I needed it. Which was like every day.
Anyways, enough about my sluttiness. My RA is actually cooler than he made himself out to be. To start, he came back to our hall drunk as hell last night. He doesn't do room checks nor does he care to. Thank god I'm on this floor and not the bottom.
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It was just announced that The Goo Goo Dolls will be performing with The Spill Canvas on campus October 10th! The Spill Canvas is one of my all time favorite bands. This is just too perfect! I just bought my ticket. My parents are going to hate that I spent money on it but it's so worth that phone call. I mean it was only $35 and I'm not driving anywhere. Other than that, it's almost the weekend. Soccer House, I'm coming for you!
Holy shit did time fly! It's almost the end of September! I've seriously been slacking with this updating crap, so here's an attempt to remember everything.
I cannot guarantee that my sober mind is going to be able to spit out all the drunk details. To begin, the soccer house... ON FUCKING POINT! Seriously impressed. Those boys know how to throw a party. They totally beat my 18th birthday weekend, which by the way is going to go down in infamy for sure. I managed to grab two numbers, David from Sweden and Ryan from Trinidad. Already fucked David. God, it was perfect! Ryan is next on my to do list. Wow, maybe I am a slut. Should I start to feel ashamed? I don't know. The guys like it so maybe I'll keep it up for the time being. It's not like any of them are taken me off the single market.
I finally have some sort of sexual streak going. This guy Chad and I fucked after one of the soccer parties. Brittany hooked up with his roommate Peter. We officially have called ourselves Playboys.
Douche face still hasn't accepted me friend request on Facebook so maybe I should give up. I don't like chasing this hard if there's nothing coming in return. I mean he did break up with me but like, there was no closure or even an apology. Just straight denial. I got the truth out of the girl he cheated on me with. Our friendship is over but I appreciate knowing the truth.
So that whole situation just confuses me. Like I think I'm pretty, hot, whatever. I'm not fat. I'm constantly running, working out and dieting. I'm skinnier than most girls on campus. I'm blonder than blonde. I have a brain, even though guys seem to prefer when I play stupid. So weird but it gets me want I want. And that's male attention. It's the only time I feel empowered and validated. It's disgusting but that's what happens when your parents don't give a shit about you. Whatever. I don't need a fucking pity party. I sound like a whiny rich girl. I'm not rich. I mean I didn't have to struggle growing up but I'm not rich. I don't have my own money. I never needed to. Ugh. I'm done with being a baby over things. I'm free of them. I have my own life now and I'm loving every minute.
Classes are soooo stupid. All the studying is burning me out. I need a drink just thinking about it. My grades are not terrible. Average but not failing. Yet, that's not good enough for Mother and Father Perfect. So sorry I'm not becoming a nurse like Mom or a lawyer like Dad. Neither career fit my personality. I'm too free spirited and need to be release creatively.
I still cannot stand my theatre professor. Her exercises are dumber than shit to do. Everyone in my class is a freak. No one parties. The girls do not know how to dress their selves. The guys are total creeps and dress like they're 7. Ew.
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The homecoming soccer game is this weekend and the biggest party is following. So cannot wait!
Oh! I met someone. He intrigues me. His "no fucks given" attitude, all the tattoos...there's just something that draws me to him. Or maybe it’s his eyes. There’s just something about them that just draws me in. They’re piercing ice blue. Seriously, they are like sexy daggers to the soul! I don't remember his major. I'm pretty sure he's a sophomore, but I don't remember. BUT, I did meet him sober! Or mostly sober. He was hanging out with some of the losers from my hall. Shocking news, I know. I don't think he's boyfriend material but we shall see. It's worth exploring this.
The soccer boys keep asking for more sex. It's starting to get annoying honestly. Like, yes I loved having sex with David but I don't want to do it constantly. I really want just a simple conversation. Ryan is hot and cold. If I don't have a sexual conversation, I'm ignored. But if I send him sexy pictures and flirt, we will text for hours! It's so boring. The conversations are so repetitive. But if I don't send anything for a day, Ryan wonders what's wrong with me. Boy, you do not own me. I'll talk to you when I want to and how I want to. On the other hand, I enjoy that fact that I have their attentions. I'm just confused. Maybe I don't want to be a Playboy type like I've been inspiring to be. Maybe I am worth more.
--- --- ---
Brittany just saved my ass.
I'm an idiot and decided to try K2. I mean I smoke weed so I didn't think this synthetic stuff was going to cause any issues. Dear god, I was so wrong. I literally felt like I was going to have a heart attack. The amount of panic I felt was unreal. My heart felt like it was going to implode and my feet had to keep moving or it felt like I was melting into the ground. My jaw was hurting so badly that I had to chew gum but I was scared of choking. I called 911 on myself. I didn't know what else to do. Sure, that bill is NOT going to make the parentals happy at all but guess what I was scared. I thought I was dying. I'm way too young to die.
The girl I smoked with is calling me stupid and a snitch. I never brought her into this. I kept her name quiet and will continue to do so. I'm not a total idiot. BUT I AM NOT EVER GOING TO FUCK AROUND WITH SYNTHETIC SHIT AGAIN!!!
But back to Brittany. I called her to pick me up from the ER. She bought me food and I stayed in her room for the night. My RA laughed at my stupidity but said he's glad I'm okay. I guess not everyone is horrible here.
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My dormmates aren't as bad as I was making them out to be. Some are actually pretty cool. I've learned some even enjoy the same music I do, which is shocking because emo music isn't really trendy. We hung out when Austin Kyle Renfore came to the campus coffee shop. Pretty good acoustic artist I must say. Definitely not a bad sober night. I've taken a break from partying after the K2 incident.
I've just been all sorts of lost. I'm starting to not like the person I've been becoming. Shockingly enough, I've actually stated to truly study. Something I've NEVER done.
Amongst those dormmates, I've gotten closer to this girl named Angel. Definitely the indie/hipster type but I'm not mad at it. She's so laid back. More stoner than partier and I actually like that. I don't smoke often with her but I'll hang out when she does it. It's nice to have someone quiet in my life. It's a change up I wasn't expecting. Turns out her best friend goes to the same school as my best friend!!! We're planning a road trip to spend a night there so a massive reunion is about to happen.
You do not even know how badly I need to see my best friend. I miss her so much, even though we text constantly. It's just not the same. I don't have my wing girl or my vent buddy. Best friend is thriving at her school and I wonder if she misses me as much as I do her. I mean it's okay if this is a one way thing. But it would be nice if it wasn't.
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Heading to best friend's school tonight after class! Like, I just want to skip class and go now. Angel said the same thing but we both agreed to stick it out. The anticipation is killing me!
I stopped hanging out with the preview day kids. Well, more they stopped hanging out with me. They ditched me at the school across town at the private university when we went there for a Labor Day party. I was stranded. I had to ask a police officer (while drunk) for a ride back to campus. Thankfully, I did not get an underage ticket or anything. The office did think it would be just hilarious to throw the lights on when we got outside my dorm building. Like, yes, let’s draw more attention to my stupid choices in who I hang out with the and consequences of my choices. Whatever. I don't care anymore. They are fake as fuck and I'm starting to not want that in my life. Fake friends make me feel so empty.
Just like the soccer players. I finally stopped talking to David and Ryan. The constant sexual conversations and demands were time consuming and depleting. I haven't had sex with Ryan and I'm starting to think I don't want to. I want more.
Which leads me to tattoo boy, Kyle. We've been talking and he's quite an amazing person. No, we haven't fucked yet. Our conversations haven't gone that way. We talk about music and art. He laughed at my K2 experience. I guess he smokes it but only when he feels like dancing. Why didn’t I think of that?! For real though. This is a first for me. Even with Douche Face, we would resort to sexy talking and eventually would fuck. I
’m starting to realize that as much as I loved that idiot, there was zero substance in our relationship. It hurts to think of that but I think that’s why he cheated on me. He didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I gave him my entire soul and being. He couldn’t do that in return. Just told me empty promises and filled my head with fantasies that would never become a reality. Is this me growing up finally? Who the fuck knows.
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My weekend with best friend was great. We got SO high together. Pretty sure that shit was laced with something else though. It was high I didn't feel before. Someone mentioned it was chronic but then again, none of us are experts. I definitely was tripping and hallucinating.
I got my lip pierced. Wait until the parentals see this one! Totally looking forward being called trashy and worthless because of it. I TRIED to convince best friend to come to my campus for the upcoming Goo Goo Dolls concert but she said she didn't know. I'm guessing she's set with her new life. I'm happy for her, truly. I miss doing everything together with her. However, this is college. We're supposed to grow apart and create our own lives. Seeing her again was exactly what I needed. I don't feel so empty and lost. Still feeling it but not as intensely.
We had to do a family chronology essay for psych today. Not my favorite thing to do. I hate having to explain I was adopted at birth and don't know anything about my blood line. I mean I would love to meet my birth parents and find out why they didn't want me.
My parents aren't exactly the most loving humans on this planet. No, they're not abusive or neglectful at all. They are so consumed with their own lives and my other siblings to want to really learn about me. They created this image of the daughter they want and I do nothing but disappoint them. I will never understand why being my own person isn't enough for them. I wish I had the parents that would want to spend time with me and tell me how proud they are of me. I didn't even hear that when I graduate high school in June. All I got was: "Well, you barely made it but you made it". Um, excuse me. But graduating towards the top of my class and senior class president, as well as making the national Student Congress team, was not enough for them!? I spent my high school years filling my time with extra curriculars and sports just to make them happy! My mother never came to one game I cheered at, not one track meet or any basketball or volleyball games. My dad came when he could but being a lawyer is ever consuming. They came to see me perform in Romeo and Juliet when I played Juliet. Still never heard that they were proud of me. My brothers and sister hear that validation constantly. It's unfair. I'm petty and throw I'm just their tax cut child because adoption is a massive tax cut. Just learned that in my accounting class.
See I paid attention. Why adopt a child when you're going to favor your others? Whatever. I'm totally fine with my life. I don't like it but I can't change it.
I cannot believe another month as flown by. Seriously, what the hell! Mid terms are coming up and let's be real, I'm scared. I've been doing okay in my classes but mid terms are make or break. And it's probably going to be my funeral.
I've been to the soccer house a couple more times. David and Ryan apologized for their shitty behavior. Not sure if I believe them but it was an apology nonetheless. We've been cool at parties and things seems to be alright.
I've been hanging out with Kyle quite a bit. My roommate is getting annoyed with the number of nights he crashes in my bunk. It's not like we're sleeping together when she's around. Having someone sleeping next to me is the most therapeutic thing.
My "woe is me" thoughts have lessened and I've actually slept for the first time in awhile without having to be stoned or drunk. Speaking of that, I've cut WAY back on both. I never thought this day would happen. Partying is just boring now. There's no enjoyment in being drunk all the time.
My stomach permanently hurts now and I barely eat because food tastes like shit. Someone said I lost weight. Sweet! I'll take that. I don't want that stereotypical "freshman 15". God, imagine if I became fat?! Ew. Just thinking about that makes me sick. Plus my mother would forever shame me and have me on an even stricter diet than I already am. I'm fucking vegetarian and barely eat processed sugars. Like what more do you want to take away!? I just tried my first Nutter Butter bar the other night in Brittany's room. Those things are so addicting. How sad is that though? I'm 18 and haven't tried the normal childhood junk foods. I didn't even try McDonald's until I was 13 and that was in secret so my mother wouldn't get mad. My dad never stops her harassment about my weight either. My younger sister gets the foods I never had and they allow her free reign at restaurants. At least I can fit into the mock costumes in my theatre class since they're basically made for children. So I have that going for me.
I started running twice a day. It's been keeping my stress at bay but I seem to smoke more cigarettes. It's like my lung capacity doubled so I need to smoke more to get that nicotine buzz. The body is a weird thing man.
The Goo Goo Dolls/Spill Canvas concert is tomorrow night. I'm excited. It's been awhile since I've had a night to just let loose. I'm just going to sleep all day until then.
I made a promise to Ryan that I would come to his apartment after his game because there's no house party tonight but the boys want to drink. I guess someone from the team had alcohol poisoning last weekend and everyone was too drunk to care for it. I promised to be the sober nurse for the night and make sure no one gets hurt. It's the least I can do. I'll still have good time but no drinking for me!
--- --- ---
What the fuck happened last night or this morning?!
I don't have any sense of time right now.
My entire body hurts.
I can't walk for the life of me.
I can barely keep my eyes open.
My wrists are throbbing and there's these strange red marks on them. My thighs are covered in bruises. My neck has what looks like nail marks. I have a black eye. My throat feels like it's bleeding. It burns when I peed and there was blood in my underwear. There's a massive bite mark on my hip and two more large bruises on my ribs. The world is spinning if I try to stand up. I swear I didn't drink. I hope I didn't drink. Everything after 11pm is a blackout. I've only experience this once before when I was 15 and I was raped. There's no way that happened again. Is there? I mean I was sober.
Wait. I had that one drink Ryan made. Liquid Cocaine? But it was just ONE drink. There's no way I got drunk off of that! My tolerance is way too high for that to happen. I need to snap out of this so I can get ready for the concert.
--- --- ---
Last night was weird.
I was physically at the concert but it felt like I was floating over my body. I don't even know how to describe it. I saw my body standing there but I wasn't in it. I honestly don't even remember the music playing. It's so weird. I still feeling like I'm in a fog.
The bruises hurt even worst that yesterday. My make up barely covered my black eye. I got this incredibly cryptic text from Ryan saying that I was the best he's ever had. The fuck does that mean? I asked him what happened and he said I gave him the best night of his life. AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! I asked him about the drink he made and he denied he ever made me one. I swear on my life I saw him go into the other room and then come back out with a drink in his hand for me.
I remember having this drink.
I remember tasting it.
It was Barcadi 151, Goldschlager and Rumpleman's. I remember the boys saying I drink it like a champ. After that, it's only bits and pieces. Somehow, I remember being in Ryan's bed and him on top of me. For some reason, I remember the words "shut up bitch" and a hand on my mouth.
There had to be more than one person in that room because I have this fragment of me sucking someone's dick and someone else inside me. But who could the second person be?! I told all this to Angel and she's making me going to the ER for a rape kit. I don't think I was raped. There's no way. But I'll do that stupid evasive test again. At least they'll do blood screening as well because something still doesn't feel right.
--- --- ---
I just got back from the ER.
They said I was raped.
I don't believe them.
Apparently, there's an extreme amount of internal damage. A lot of tearing and damage to my cervix. Gross. They said something about never having children. Like, why should I care about that now? I'm 18. I have a broken wrist, two broken ribs, a bruised pelvic bone and severe lacerations to my wrists. They had to stitch the bite mark because it was deeper than I thought it was. My orbital bone is very badly bruised and may take over a month to heal. I'm being sent to a social worker and the police. Why me? For once, I was doing everything right! I'm still waiting on the drug test to come back with my blood work.
--- --- ---
I'm now a statistic.
I was drugged. Heavily.
It wasn't the everyday roofie though. It was something from oversea, making it incredibly rare in the US. I don't remember the name. More and more bits of that night are coming back in flashes. I was tied down tightly. I slightly remember trying to fight the ropes that bound my wrists. That explains the broken wrist and lacerations.
At one point, I was punched with enough force that I stopped breathing. That explains the broken ribs and the broken pelvic bone. But the bite mark doesn't add up.
I had to talk to the dean about all of this today. Her fake sympathy made me nauseated. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Either way, she didn't mean a single word she said. She wanted to call my parents and I had to beg her not to. I'm not ready for them to know all this. I already know that they will say that my past actions led up to this so therefore it's more fault. She told me to not tell anyone that isn't a police officer or someone from the administration. Like, why can't I say something? I thought reporting it (even though it was Angel's persuasive idea) was the right thing to do.
My mother claims this is all happening because I stopped going to church and I’m letting the devil take over me. When in the flying fuck did any of this have anything to do with going to church?! For the first time in my life, I can hate God and truly mean it. Church is not going to save me. Religion is not going to save me. The whole concept of organized religion is filled with lies, especially the Catholic Church. Seriously, what the fuck. I’m trying not to go off on some religious truth bomb tangent but I swear my mother knows all the wrong things to say.
Why is it that for someone that has made the same public sins as a number of other students here, that is was me?! What did I do to deserve this? I was already seeing how everything was getting out of control and trying to fix it on my own. I thought I was making my life before by stepping back from partying and sex. I thought that was supposed to be the way to do things so “God” could come down from this “heaven” just to say “good girl”. That’s sickening.
I'm still in disbelief this happened AGAIN! I thought what happened when I was 15 was bad enough. This makes that case look innocent. But again, why do I have to be silent about it?
The days have all clumped together and became one big blur.
I'm either talking with the police, the DA or the school administration. Some magical fucking way the local newspaper found out and now I get stalked by reporters on my way to class, if I even go to class.
I've been staying a lot in my room lately and not really doing anything. Best friend refuses to call me back. I'm literally alone because I'm not allowed to say a damn word to anyone, even though it's all over the papers. My name has just been left out. The best part, THEY TWISTED MY STORY! I look like I wanted this to happen and I'm vying for attention. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! Does anyone understand how much pain I'm in? Physically, mentally and emotionally? I still have no idea if my parents know. I'm avoiding their phone calls and texts. My professors keep emailing me with their sympathies. Like that's going to change anything. I literally just want to die. This isn't me being dramatic. I want to die. I want this nightmare to be over. I want to sleep in peace. I don't want to look in the mirror and be disgusted with the person looking back at me. I'm disgusting. I'm ugly. Someone please kill me. I would be eternally grateful.
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My parents know. The dean didn't keep her word and called them the instantly I left her office the first time. Their reaction is exactly how I pictured it would be. I'm the guilty one. I'm the one in the wrong. I asked for it by partying and having a sexual history. It's my fault. My mother only cared about how people would look at her in town. Um hello... you're supposed to be supporting your daughter through all this, not caring about your social status. My dad is a touch nicer, not much though. He reassured me that the local DA here is a good one. That's all he said. I guess I'll take that. Neither asked how I'm doing or how I'm feeling.
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THERE'S A VIDEO! Someone filmed the whole thing!!!! I was sent the link and watched it. What happened would not even happen in the animal world. I threw up five times while watching. It's over 2 hours long.
There was 2 of them attacking me, one watching and one filming. I know every single boy involved. It's like they planned this. It was done with intent. I saw my body just lay there, limb. I did struggle but you couldn't understand what I was saying. But a video?! Why would anyone want this documented?!
The news is still making me out to be just some party girl. Has no one watched this and realized that I'm not even conscious?! I have no one right now. Angel was called to talk to the police. She hasn't spoken much to me lately. I thought for sure I had her through all this. This is so much worse than all the bullying in middle school. I thought I wanted to die then. Man, that was nothing. Now I NEED to die.
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I'm home for Thanksgiving. I was instructed to put on a happy face and say nothing about what happened. I am to only say positive things about school and that's it. I can't do this. I can't just sit through Thanksgiving dinner acting like I'm okay. I'm not. I'm the furthest from it. I want to say something because I need someone to believe me that I didn't ask for this. I never would ask for this. But guess what, I had to do the same thing at 15. Can someone please save me before I really go kill myself?
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The school shrink is a fucking bitch. Another person saying that maybe I put myself in that position intentionally. She's just like every other shrink I've had since 15. They just want their paychecks. No one truly gives a shit.
The stalking from reporters is getting worse. It's to the point I need a police escort to and from all my classes. The police surprisingly are the only people that believe me. One let me skip class to cry in his squad car. Granted, coming out of that car didn't make me look anymore but that cry was needed and the fact he gave me the privacy and safety to do it meant everything.
Kyle won't talk to me. Turns out, the DA is his uncle and now I'm a conflict of interest. I mean I get it but still. I need him as a friend now. That's all I want. Friends.
I want the support the boys are getting through all this. Everyone is protecting them. Apparently, everyone has seen the video but it doesn't matter. The boys are still gods on campus because they are athletes. I HATE them. I don't hate close to anyone but I HATE them. Each one of them.
I'm transferring at the end of this semester. I cannot stay here. All the death threats, evil eyes and constant stares are too much. Therapy is okay, I guess. I've been spending 90% of my free time in the library. Yes, I am exactly where I said I never wanted to be a few months ago. But my grades are skyrocketing and it's given me a sense of security. I feel safe in my little library corner. No one bothers me. I get to be alone and I like it that way. I
don't want anyone near me. I can't trust anyone to be on my side. I didn't really have anyone to start with, but Angel. Angel came around. She was feeling guilty for having me report what happened. She felt like all the backlash was her doing. It never was nor will it ever be. She did the right thing directing me to the police and driving me to the ER. Without her, I would be suffering worse than I currently I am. Because of her, I'm still alive.
Which leads me to something important. I remember just about everything now. It's taken a month or so for my memory to recover. But I remember. I went to Ryan's apartment around midnight. I remember seeing him, his roommate Hector, David and one other soccer player Stuart. They were already hammered beyond belief.
I remember his roommate Hector saying I looked sexy in my sweatpants. I wore my cheer sweats, my favorite VS Pink hoodie and my favorite Uggs because I had zero intention of anything happening. I remember David eying me up like I was fucking steak or something. The other guy, Stuart, was just acting odd but I had wrote it off as him being drunk.
I remember clearly that Ryan said I needed to drink and I refused at first but after some coaxing agreed. He went into his room to make it. That should've been my red flag to leave, to run. But I stayed because I'm an idiot and didn't pay attention to my instincts. He came back with this big blue cup filled with that "Liquid Cocaine" drink. All the guys got weirdly excited at that point but I thought they were just being guys and encouraging me to chug. So that's what I did. I drink every drop. It was strong but kind of tasty until the last bit. That part was super bitter tasting. I know for a fact I asked why it tasted that way and that the boys got quiet for a second before Ryan said something along the lines of "that's just how it's supposed to taste".
I remember my head feeling weird within minutes and my hands growing tingly. My feet were going numb as well. I should've started screaming right there. My gut knew something wasn't right. But I didn't scream. Ryan mentioned that we should fuck and I just complied like a zombie. I remember laying down and suddenly having the urge to run. He held me down. My head hit the headboard and I had an instant headache. He put his hand on my mouth and started licking my neck. Yes, licking my neck like a happy puppy. My body didn't have the strength to fight back when he unzipped my hoodie and ripped off my shoes. When he started to take off my sweats, I remember kicking him in the chest. It was enough to get him off me but I didn't have enough strength to fully get off his bed.
That's when he brought out the ropes. He called Hector in and they both tied my wrists to the bed. David as came in and forcefully pushed my hips down to the bed while Ryan got my pants off. No condom was used. No lube. Ryan just stoved his dick inside of me with such violence that I remember screaming in pain.
They duct taped my mouth. That was a detail I didn't tell the police at the time I reported. I didn't even know that happened. While Ryan was painfully thrusting, Hector called in Stuart and said "this needs to be never forgotten". After that, his roommate removed the tape and shoved his dick into my mouth.
I briefly recall trying to say no but he punched me in the face (which happened to be my eye) and told me to be quiet and enjoy every moment. The two of them attacked my body like I was an enemy that needed to be punished.
David stood next to the Stuart and laughed while this was being recorded. Ryan and Hector switched positions and continued. Ryan’s dick was much bigger than his roommate’s and he kept jamming it down my throat. I throw up because I was gagging so hard. David told them to flip me over so they did. Ryan pushed Hector out of the way and starting to fuck my ass. This was the most pain I've ever experienced. He just kept going. Hector fucked my mouth again and again. This lasted over an hour. It wasn't until the other guy said his phone was dying that they stopped. Tyler told me to get the fuck up, get dressed and leave. I don't know how I was able to do any of that but I did.
I remember walking back to my dorm and everything felt numb. Some magically way, I remembered my door code and my room code to get in. I remember my roommate was still asleep since it was 3:33 am when I got back. I didn't even shower. I crashed on my bed. I honestly don't think I truly slept. I think it was whatever drug that had me sleep.
Later that morning, I woke up and literally army crawled into my RA's room because we were all watching the NFL football game. I remember our team's kicker missing a field goal before I drifted to sleep. I guess I was asleep for several hours because when I woke up, the concert was only 2 hours from starting. That's when Angel asked if I wanted to go outside to smoke a cigarette with her. That's when she started asking questions. That's when she became concerned. That's when she decided to save my life. No one else seemed to give a damn about my odd behavior. When the police questioned my RA, he just wrote it off as me drinking too much. He told me later on that he felt terrible for not asking if I was okay. I let him know that he was just reporting based off my past behaviors and he shouldn't feel bad. Brittany said the same. Look, I know that I partied way too hard at the beginning of this semester. I made a reputation for myself and that I have been reckless. I do not blame them for not caring more. What happened was not ordinary. No one would assume that I was just brutally raped. And that's okay. I hold no grudges. I just need to leave this school because it failed me.
The administration is supposed to protect its students, not just the athletes. The boys were suspended for only 2 games. That's all the school did to punish their actions. I'm waiting on my court date to testify and telling what happened to bring true justice. Until then, I’m running away from here so I can live my life again. I cannot continue living in this constant state of shame and fear. It’s so mentally and emotionally exhausting. I still barely have the energy to function as a human. I still truly want to die.
I am not looking forward to going back home though. My parents have been shaming me almost daily over the phone. Now let’s just make that daily shaming happen in person. I honestly do not know if I can handle it. My “best friend” still has not returned any of my phone calls or text or Facebook messages. I literally have no one. Kyle did not even come say good bye to me before I left campus. Not even a text or call good bye either. It’s like I completely scared off the one normal and healthy male in my life because of the actions of other men.
I already know that I’ll be in therapy with stupid, judgmental therapists for years. I know they are going to come up with some psychological diagnosis and push pills down my throat. Maybe taking those pills will make me numb. Maybe I’ll be numb enough to have a life again.
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I got accepted to another state university. I’ll be moving down there in a couple of weeks. I’m hoping all that happened does not follow me down. I REALLY need a fresh start.
I’m changing my major as well. Psychology with a minor in women’s studies. I need to be the advocate for someone, that way Angel was for me. Theatre is great but my passion is gone. I honestly do not even want to get on stage and perform anymore. Before I left, my theatre class had a group hug. It’s something we’ve done every class but this hug was different. They all knew what happened. They all saw and felt I was hurting and broken. This hug was filled with love, hope and healing. I cried. Like, deep gasping, massive tears cried. This was the first time I felt like someone actually cared about what I was going through. I wish I had connected with these kids more, instead of chasing that temporary high of attention. I’m leaving this campus with a lot of regret but also a lot of growth. I just hope I have the strength to start over without getting caught up in the old patterns again. I really need to avoid any form of distraction and purely focus on school. No more partying. No more boys. No more smoking. This may be my ony chance to start my life over and be a better person.
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