A Driving Story Imagine if you will, a day, a good day, you are driving down the road, it’s seventy five degrees, window down, listening…
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A story about my emergency gear.
Okay, so I was going through my Oh Shit Sack and decided to check the seal on my gas mask (It’s important to know if it fits before you need it.), sliding it on everything fit tight and was all sealed up
Only issue was a blockage in the nose shroud.
Blocking the exit port with my hand I blew as hard as I could and like a genie from a bottle a wolf spider that was approximately half the size of a Volkswagen beetle popped up out of nowhere and attached himself to my face like an amorous face hugger from the Aliens franchise.
It was at this point that I discovered that a good seal on a gas mask can only be achieved by locking it to your face in a manner only slightly less complex than a shibiri bondage dress.
The spider (we shall henceforth describe him as THE BASTARD!) seemed to have decided that he was going to make the best of a bad situation and began his morning calisthenics by galloping laps the inside of the mask.
And while I am a supporter of a solid cardiovascular exercise regimen I must admit that THE BASTARD could have probably waited a picosecond to start while I was busy thrashing about in a life and death struggle with an M61 mask that had somehow formed an unbreakable seal around my head that would require amputation to remove.
There was serious consideration of that option to that sometime during the tenth century of my eternal struggle, that was approximately the same time that THE BASTARD had decided that he had gotten his heart rate into a nice range and set about in what I can only describe as an amateur version of an Indiana Jones reenactment as he began trying to find some dark hole or cave to explore.
It was at this point as his leading legs began to probe about my sinus cavity that I was overcome with the brilliant idea of HULK SMASH!
While not the most profound idea in existence I can admit that I learned several things that day.
Firstly that the there are many ways to smash your face while wearing a gas mask, second that headbutting the desk is NOT the best option and finally that THE BASTARD was not only females,
But a mommy…
As such during her escapades so far I had been far too focused to note the Billions of microscopic babies that had been clinging to her back during this whole adventure.
And while I applaud a young mother just trying her best I feel it was wrong to try and bring her kids to work that day.
Needless to say, I did in fact smash my face against the desk squishing her against my face (which is NOT in my top ten best experiences I’ve had thank you very much).
Little did I know that her children would take that as a sign that it was time for them to strike out on their own.
They EXPLODED off her like shrapnel from a grenade, filling every inch of available space with billions upon billions of tiny spiders.
At this point I was blessed with the strength of ten thousand men and ripped the gas mask off my face, snapping the restraining straps and launching the offending article of safety equipment on a ballistic trajectory towards the living room as I ran screaming from the house, diving into the kiddy pool outside with all the grace and poise of a belly flopping walrus as I held my own head under water and screamed at a volume that had whales the world over glancing around in confusion.
I will confess that I thought that I was ‘Okay’ with spiders, it turns out that I am NOT!
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