First time understanding love and heartbreak
In this story I will be talking about what i think the concept of love means and how a heartbreak can shape a person to…
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In this story I will be talking about what i think the concept of love means and how a heartbreak can shape a person to…
In this story I will be talking about what i think the concept of love means and how a heartbreak can shape a person to their best self but first here is my story. They say your first love will change you forever or that it’s hard to truly forget your first love, well i'm starting to believe it. My whole life after middle school was me getting a feel in the relationship/hookup field and I was enjoying it until I didnt. You see, in 9th grade I met someone ( let's call her SO ) who caught my eyes the moment I saw her so I knew I had to let her know how I felt. Me and SO would go on FaceTime and talk for hours or sometimes just be on the phone because we enjoyed each other's company, which I'm sure a lot of people enjoy. It felt really good to always have someone to talk to but all good things must come to an end. This was all around the time that COVID hit the globe and let me tell you, nothing has impacted my life more than this virus that took over the world. I developed a social anxiety like no other, gained so much weight I didn't even like looking at myself for long periods of time. I found out that I built up such anxiety when we were back in school with masks and was told to go ask for the paper from someone and my heart started beating so fast I think everyone heard it but let's get back to SO. After the quarantine era had gone by and we went back to school I found out she found someone else and we’re going to call him MO for this story. I guess in some ways he was better than me but I still didn't understand why someone would invest those countless hours talking with me if I wasnt enough for her to stay with me and that's when I first truly experienced being hurt by someone I liked a lot. After that I started to look for casual hookups with girls I had no interest in that was until I found LYD, she was this black haired girl with these subtle green eyes but she had no interest in me whatsoever but that's okay because I got over it so she doesn't really matter in my story. The meaningless relations I built with these girls came to a halt for a while when I had to move to a different area as well as switch schools. I knew no one, had no one, only had connections with people through my phone which led me to find MIR. She wasn't close to me at all, in fact she was in a different state so I don't know why I even proceeded with what I did. I guess I've always enjoyed talking to girls who didn't live relatively close to me because it made it easier to talk to someone who I knew I wasn't going to have to see in person, it took no effort to cut them off when it came down to it, I was a horrible person. When I first met MIR I thought I was ready to settle down because I really did like her and felt a connection with her but I guess that wasn't the case and it was only temporary due to the long distance. Me and MIR were an unofficial thing for about a year, you're probably wondering what I mean by that. Well what I mean is she thought we were together but it was my fault for never saying we werent and that we were just friends. During the duration of us being an unofficial thing I was talking to other girls and hooking up with them while then texting MIR right after. The dopamine I got from hooking up was great and all but it would always go away right after, we call that post clarity, people say you don't get post clarity if you truly love someone but more on that towards the end. I always felt horrible when I had to tell her I'm doing something else while I was actually hooking up with someone else. Remember SO? Yea she broke up with MO and I decided to step in while still being in the unofficial relationship with MIR which was the dumbest and selfish thing I could have done. Me and SO would always send each other snaps but never really talk the way we used to before which I was fine with but I kept at it for about 4 months until SO caught on I awas talking to MIR. This was one of the scariest moments in my life. I knew I was caught and there was no going back now. I knew that all my lies would come to an end and I would face backlash for my actions. SO had caught on that me and MIR were talking through a picture MIR had posted with us in it when I went to go visit her. SO was asking me questions about me and MIR and SO asked if she knew what I was doing to her and I said “Not yet”. Those two words stuck with me for a long time because I would always wait till the last moment to let someone know what was going on and sometimes they would leave without even knowing. SO said she was going to tell MIR about what was going on and in a way I guess I felt relieved that this pain I was putting her through would finally end and she can experience true love the way she loved others. Till this day I don't know if SO really told MIR because we continued to talk after that and one day we just stopped talking. Maybe she finally realized that she didn't need me and she was wasting her time with someone like me. I was happy for her and I still am. Now let's move on to how I started to finally understand true love and how the human soul can interact with another. Shortly after finishing my junior year of highschool there is senior week for those graduating and as you can tell I'm not a senior but the majority of my friends were graduating and invited me to go. Senior week takes place in ocean city MD, it's basically a really long street with houses beside the beach and boardwalk. One night me and some friends went to one of the houses our friend was staying at for the week. We went to hang out with them and that's where I met HER. Beautiful black hair and freckles that complimented her beautiful green eyes. She told my friend that she thought I was cute and she left before I got the confidence to talk to her in person but I wasn't going to let her go. Shortly after that night I found her on instagram and at first I was looking for a casual hookup but it didn't end up happening and before we knew it senior week ended, I thought I wasn't going to see her again. I would always comment on the things she posted and compliment her voice whenever she would sing, oh yea I forgot to mention that her voice and story that she tells can have you mesmerized, id listen to her for days if I could. Everytime I would send her a message I felt more connected to her. We went on our first to the movie to see buzz lightyear and i will never forget how nervous I was seeing and being with her, I will never forget the exact outfit she wore that day, I will never forget the way her face was slightly red from being nervous and i will never forget how sweaty her hands were when I first grabbed them, still brings a smile to my face. After our first date we kept talking and we felt more comfortable with each other so we met in person again and this time was at my place. We watched an old spider-man movie and just cuddled, one thing led to another and we ended up making love, remember the post clarity thing I mentioned? Yea I didn't get that with her, it was the complete opposite. I felt good about myself, about us, it felt as if our souls connected for the first time, I don’t know if it felt like that for her though. After we finished we laid down and just held each other, then I started to open up a little bit more about myself and she would always make this eye contact that made me feel some type of way in the best way, I would often look away because I was overwhelmed with uncertainty of the look she gave. After opening up she held me even tighter and it was the happiest i've ever been, I could talk about HER for hours. A couple weeks later I went to Boston for 3 weeks and that was the first time my heart has ever felt the way it did, It felt heavy, it would ache whenever I would think of HER, the longest 3 weeks of my life. The moment I got to see her after not seeing her for so long made me feel like a kid in a candy shop. I got to spend a whole night with HER and that was the first time I didn't look away when she made the eye contact, my uncertainty was made certain that she was the one that i've needed the whole time, the one who I would always come to when I needed someone to talk to, the person that I would hug if I ever needed one, that night was the night that I became certain between me and HER and I guess she became certain of some things as well. Not long after we spent the night together I had to go on vacation with my family and I was getting ready for a wedding. I got a text from her, my face filled with a smile that was cut short when I read “ I don't know if you caught on that I was being distant recently”. The text went on to say how she wants to stay friends because she was in her sophomore year of college and I was still in highschool, how people can change after they leave highschool and I understand that to an extent but I never really liked that excuse. At the time I saw the message I just agreed with her and that I wished her the best of luck in college. I didn't really know what to say at the moment, I was in a state of shock that I wasn't even able to express my emotions properly. The person I thought I was going to be with forever was gone and I just let her go without asking the questions I should have asked, am i not enough? Was the way I acted too much for you? Did you really want something longterm with me?. I could've asked 100 questions that day but I decided not to, why? I don't know, maybe because I was scared of the response I'd get, maybe I wasn't ready to experience my first love leaving. You see I always knew I would get what was coming for me but I never knew it would come at me so strongly. You helped me overcome my bad habit of treating girls like they didn't have any worth, you helped me get out of the meaningless hookups and the lies I told to them and for that I appreciate you. The other day I saw her story and saw her with somebody else, my heart dropped. She found someone else who isn't me, I don't understand how someone could move on so fast. I hope he treats her the way she deserves to be. Truth is I will never get over her. She was my first love and I will forever miss her aura around mine. She kept me up at night and moving in the morning. She used to be my special someone but those days are now lost as I keep thinking of her and reminiscing about our past. There is still this huge part inside of me waiting for her to come back but not all love stories end with a happy ending. Maybe you were sent to me by destiny to teach me love or maybe it was just fate but regardless of the reason I appreciate you with all my heart. When you said that people change after highschool you were right, but highschool didn’t change me, you did. You changed me in a positive way, you changed the way I look at things differently, you changed me for the better. Someday you’ll read all of this and I just want to let you know that even though I never said it because I thought it was too soon
I will always love you
My First Beloved
WHAT IS LOVE SYNOPSIS:
After going through multiple life situations that would help me understand the meaning of Love, I still don't have a strong grasp on what I think Love is and how it shapes relationships to their best selves but I do have many concepts of what I believe it to be. Think of Love as an extra in a relationship, not all couples need love to be in a happy relationship, a relationship can be strong without it but when you add that extra component Love then the relationship feels indestructible but be careful. The feeling of indestructibility can have a hold on your mind, making you less careful with what goes on in a relationship because you don't think nothing bad will happen because Love will never betray you, that's what we hope it was like. In reality Love is a gamble because you never know what it brings and what could happen. If you've been in love once and tried to love again but you can't or find it hard to, you can thank Love's unloyalty for that. Love can't always take blame for ones poor habits and choices they make in the relationship, Love has been used to manipulate people into staying in a relationship even though the person doing the manipulating has been wrongful to their partner, it should never be used this way as it makes people feel like shit and they tear themselves apart over it. To many people Love is just a word that can be thrown around even if you don't have any correlation to it, it's a word that can be twisted and used for just as much bad as good. Now that I've talked about how Love can be bad, let's talk about how good it feels and what it brings to the world of relationships. Your not always aware if your in love or not you just feel super happy with how life is going for you and it feels amazing, the feeling of always being in a better mood when you're with them, their personality flows out of them into you like a rainbow and you're instantly filled with joy as they smile. Love may be the only thing that allows you to connect mentally and spiritually with someone due to the feeling of their aura and soul connecting with yours or more commonly known as soul ties, a soul tie is an intense spiritual connection between two people that results in a mutual learning experience. Some signs of soul ties include feeling connected on a deeper level, the elicit strong reactions coming from within you, your partner feels very familiar, they make you feel complete and/or they show up at a significant point in your life. Everyone should experience Love once in their life whether it's a lesson or a lifelong thing. I think everyone deserves to know what true happiness feels like with another person. Never forget that self love is always more important and you should never beat yourself up for something you can't control, take it as a lesson to learn from and build on it then look for love when you're fully healed or don't, it doesn't matter as long as you always love yourself.
2 months without HER development:
It's been about 2 months since you left and it hasn't been easy but I'm doing my best to not get emotional about you, about us. I've unadded you on snapchat because you would always post with him and it still hurts. I haven't unadded you on instagram just because I'll always like to check up on you. I've been trying to move on past the thought of you but every song I listen to correlates to us and then I get deep in my head thinking about us. I've been happier since the last time we spoke. It's just a case of me feeling complete given that you were the missing puzzle. I hope you're doing well in school and with him. Thanks for changing my bad habits of how I treat others. Sometimes I wonder if you write about me too or even think of me. This will probably be the last time I write about you, even though I could write about you for another page I have to heal and move on.
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