Mercy
I am weak, I have no strength left to grasp, I’m stuck in my head, my soul is tired help me please. Let me praise you, fill me with spirit,…
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I am weak, I have no strength left to grasp, I’m stuck in my head, my soul is tired help me please. Let me praise you, fill me with spirit,…
Have you ever stayed awake, staring up at the sealing tangled up in a warm embrace, with a whole bunch of electric static rushing through your chest. …
I’ve looked up hoping Praying I see your face, Wishing you could come back home. Every night I stumble out Into the dark, as I…
I sit in silence thinking to myself, Where did I go wrong What did I do to feel this pain Did I say something to…
She was an adventurous type, that liked to wonder through different towns. She never liked to stay where she was told she needed to be…
She was an adventurous type, that liked to wonder through different towns.
She never liked to stay where she was told she needed to be or were she truly belonged. Her heart was meant to be a wanderer to see the world through other’s eyes, nobody understood where she came from or who she really was. Even she was trying to understand and find her place…. Something spoke to her one day and told her not to worry that it could take time for her to regain or remember who she was at some point in her life, she would remember and continue to find her true maternal self.
She was one of those girls that liked to walk through tall green pastures and smell every flower that had crossed her path, she loved listening to music while going on long road trips even if it was for a late-night drive, while enjoying the billion stars that lite up the sky. When she got the chance to, she would sometimes lay under them for hours just to enjoy the beauty. It was almost as if adventure should’ve been her middle name, always in the car going somewhere as if something was chasing her.
But she never skipped a beat and was always one step ahead, whether it was fishing, camping or hiking she was always on the move… if they could keep up with her then maybe they would get close to catch her in a field watching sunsets or chasing sunrises. See her dream was always to travel, she lived for wide open throttles and windy roads chasing every taste of adventure she could grasp. Enjoying every taste of fresh air and scenic root she could handle.
Living in the moment was the Moto she lived by hoping it would bring her back to a place she missed for so long, Her inner self and natural beauty. Everyone always said wearing makeup is too much or you don’t need it, and just look in the mirror and you will see what we see. How the sun hits your skin giving your cheek bones natural highlight or how your freckles make your hazel eyes pop just right in the fall and winter months.
Chapter-1- Youngster Blues
You see this girl has a strange but difficult past she wasn’t always this way….
This intelligent, outspoken, adventurous girl that everyone sees. Her life wasn’t always easy, she had always been the shy girl that felt things differently than others in her family or group of friends and sometimes people around her too. You see when she was a young girl, she watched her family fall apart from her mom struggling with the loss of both her parents to both her parents constantly fighting, in front of her and her older sister, to them hiding away in their rooms to moving house to house.
They even ended up living with their grandparents that their mom didn’t always see eye to eye with. Growing up should’ve been easy always playing with toys, running around outside even riding bikes from time to time, but the older she got the harder life got too. See when she was just 4 years old, she got really sick and was throwing up spaghetti all over her mom’s floor that was the day that changed her mom’s life forever… But at the time she didn’t know it would change her life too.
She could remember this day like it was yesterday, her mom got a call “it was her mom’s dad” her mom was bawling her eyes out not knowing what to do other than to get her sick child into the car and drive to her parents’ home. When they got there her mom parked the car in the only empty spot in the parking lot, as her mom unbuckled her seat belt grasping the buckle and shaking like she had just seen a ghost she turned to look in the back seat through tears and said to her young child” stay in the car and don’t get out.”
The little girl said” okay mommy” as her mom gets out of the car and goes inside, she sees a bunch of fireman and people that work for the ambulance company, a weird long black car as she started to Panick starting to wonder what was going on. All she knew was that fireman and ambulance come for a possible accident… But out of the corner of her eye she saw a black body size bag come out of the apartment complex, the one her grandparents just so happened to live in come out on a stretcher and her heart sank as she watched them put that bag into that strange black car. Her mom finally returned with more tears now staining her pale face, the little girl realized what had just happened and what was going on, it wasn’t an accident her grandpa that she had called (papa) had passed away and sure enough she was right.
As weeks had passed by, they went to this big place in the valley that had weird concrete signs and non -see through vases that looked like ceramic blocks and circles. She overheard her mom and dad talking about prices and how long things would take to get everything settled, when they had finally left as her mom was driving a song had come on the radio, her mom started to cry the song was called” My little girl – by Tim Mcgraw” as her dad looked over, he took his wife’s hand in his and said,” everything will be okay honey.”
But little did he know it wouldn’t be….
Months had gone by after she lost her papa, later on that month her mom moved her mom into a new home, I guess you could call it a nursing home but in a house. As days got longer and the weather got colder weeks turned into months and months turned into another year. By that time a year had flew by and her mom got another phone call and she answered, it was her (mom) grandma J, as she drops the phone and falls to her knees she begins to cry the little girls dad comes up to her mom and asks ” what’s wrong honey” the little girls mom reply’s “my mom had an accident and is on her way to the hospital right now in an ambulance.”
See her grandma couldn’t drive or live alone because she was blind in both her eyes from having diabetes most of her life. She had cataract surgery when she was younger, but it didn’t work very well for her and the older she got the worse her eyesight got too. It was very sad because she never got to watch her last and youngest granddaughter graduate from kinder garden.
Anyways we all ended up getting in the car and driving to the hospital to check up on her, which included the little girl, her older sister, their mother and father, and their oldest uncle on their mother’s side of the family. When we finally got to the hospital, we all were advised that we had to wait in the waiting room and that only two people at a time were allowed to go back to the room. which obviously would be her mom and uncle M, when they went back to the room and talked to the doctors and got to see their mother and found out what happened, they immediately came back to the waiting room, we all learned that her grandma had fallen into something pretty hard and had bruises up and down her body. She also ended up with a really bad infection called staph infection, it could end up pretty deadly if not taken care of correctly. As the night went on, they all got to say their goodbyes for the night and go home. On their way back home, everyone was very tense and very tired, when they all finally got to their homes, they went to bed for the night. The next day they woke up to some bad news her grandma J ended up passing away over night from her head injury and a lot of bleeding on her brain, she passed fairly quickly, her family was devastated, and it was very hard and took them along time to get over their passing.
Chapter-2- Middle School Hell
Years flew by quickly and she was finally starting her 7th grade year at Garry, she had her first ever boyfriend who she was excited about and who she thought was “totally dreamy.” He was a freshman in high school who she met on a dating app that her older cousin helped her set up, see she was totally new to dating and meeting boy’s, normally you would find her writing in notebooks or spending time with her family or fishing with her dad.
I guess you could say the older people got their interests change as well, they were together for two years and he certainly wasn’t who she thought he was… see he liked to play mind games for example one minute he would tell her he loved her and could see a future with her and then the next minute he would call her fat and ugly and that she wasn’t what he was looking for. He also would have a whole bunch of his friends message her, a lot of them were girls. there was a day they hung out together at the skate park and a number popped up on his phone it was another girl.
He told the girl on the phone that he was hanging out with his cousin when clearly the girl he was with was his girlfriend and he told the girl on the phone he loved her… Red Flag Number 1
When he got off the phone, he looked at his girlfriend and said” that was my cousin M” Red Flag Number 2. moral of the story of this dude he was full of red flags, but she didn’t care she was “in Love.” As time passed, she got more messages from people she never met “she’s psycho” or “you’re a whore” oh and her favorite “go jump off a bridge bitch.” She was appalled and scared she didn’t know what to do or what to think all she knew was why are these people messaging me and how did they get my phone number.
Times and days passed by quickly she started to get bullied at school, girls would purposely run into her in gym class or push her around in the halls and even trip her into cafeteria tables in the lunchroom. school started to be this place she didn’t want to be at, so she started skipping classes, and flunking out of school her grades got really bad now siting at all Fs in each class she was in. when her mom found out she was pissed and came to the school for a meeting, that was the first time she told her mom about the messages and the bullying. The school listened and swore to take action and make things right so I would feel safe at school, but they never did…
Weeks had gone by after the meeting with the school and she was still getting bullied, she ended up getting messages from more girls stating her boyfriend has been seeing more girls than just her. So, she ended up talking to her boyfriend and he completely lied to her and called her a “psychopath” later on that day she ended up going on a walk and ended up getting evidence of him cheating.
He was seeing 20 other girls from several different schools, the next day her boyfriend texted her that he was sorry for his actions and for the way he treated her and for all the horrible names he called her. She replied back with “we need to talk” kind of text which usually means shits about to hit the fan, sure enough it did they met up at a park down the street from her parents’ house. When he showed up, she let him have it and ripped him a new ass, he just stood there confused as always, so she pulled out her phone and showed him all the proof and he just laughed and said all of those girls are my EX’s and once again she didn’t follow Red Flag Number 3 and 4 and fell right in his trap again.
As some people would say what an idiot.
A couple weeks went by, and they hung out at the skate park, and road their bikes on the beacon hill which turned out to be a nightmare by the way. because she ended up going down the hill to fast hit a medium sized rock with her front tire and flipped over the front of her bike and fell chest first into a big boulder sized rock. she ended up getting a concussion and skinning up half her left side of her body pretty badly, so she ended up calling her mom and asking her to meet them at the McDonald’s down the street because there was no way in heck that she was going to be able to ride her bike the rest of the way down the mountain, especially since the front rim on her bike was bent and she could barely bend her knee.
Chapter-3-Caught
A week had gone by after the biking accident and she hadn’t heard from her boyfriend and it was hoop-fest weekend, her older sister wanted to go see her boyfriend so they both went downtown with their mom. she and her mom left her older sister with her boyfriend, and she knew her boyfriend would be down their too.
so, they walked up two blocks and she saw him…
When she got to where her boyfriend was, she saw him with a short brunette girl with his hands on her hips kissing her forehead, she was in shock and didn’t know what to say or think and then it finally clicked “he’s cheating” those messages weren’t wrong, one thing I couldn’t understand was why did it hurt so badly if the red flags where there and I had prove. Then out of the corner of her eye she saw his gaze meet her hard-core stare and he had a look on his face like “oh shit” he turned to the short girl and her friend and said something, and they walked down the street and disappeared into the mall.
Of course, she and her mom followed too when they found them her boyfriend wasn’t with the girls anymore. So, she went up to talk to the girls, she asked straight up “are you his girlfriend” the girl reply had shocked her even more” yes, I am, who are you” she intently turned and walked away dumbfounded and pissed off and scared and hurt. The girl and her mom ended up walking back to her sister to let her know that they were going to walk back to the car and go home, which her sister was fine with because she would just get a ride back home with her boyfriend and his family.
On the way home her mom asked her if she was okay and how she felt about everything, the poor 13teen year old girl couldn’t make out any words to say she just sat there in her seat of her mom’s green dodge van bawling her eyes out. She was completely crushed though her gut told her not to believe him, she felt betrayed, used, and very dirty some people would even say worthless, her mom looked over at her again and said ” you know if he’s been cheating on you then he’s not worth your time, there’s other fish in the sea, that would love to be your boyfriend, and you have plenty of time to date you’re still young.”
It wasn’t that she disagreed with her mom by any means because moms are always right, the fact of the matter was she lost her V-card with this boy and probably was too soon to be in fact, but she was scared because if all the things where right then she needed to be checked out by a doctor. A week later she got checked out and she was clean and free thank God is all she could think to herself, as she walked out of the doctor’s office, she got a text…
It read” can we talk please,” she replied, “sure what do you want from me” and he replied, “meet me at the school tonight” she replied “okay.” Her and her mom drove home, and she told her mom what he texted and that she wanted to go meet him to hear him out and to get everything done and over with so she could just move on with her life. Her mom said OKAY as they pulled up to their house, they both got out and walked to the front door and went inside, her mom started the dishes and started to gather the ingredients for dinner, they were having tacos since it was always what they eat on a Tuesday. They waited for her dad to get home from work and for her sister to come downstairs so they could help cook since they always took turns grading the cheese, cutting olives and onions to make things faster.
Chapter-4- Confronting the Lier
That night after watching tv and eating dinner with her family, she waited until everyone was asleep and scaled the stairs that lead to her and her sister’s room on the third story of her parents’ house. She carefully stepped to the very bottom of the stairs and unlocked the back door and opened it very carefully, as she closed it behind her, she walked off the back porch and unlocked the back gate and grabbed her mom’s bike and left. She was very nerves wondering the streets at night, but she knew she needed to tell him how she felt and how pissed off and confused she was.
When she finally got about a block away, she got even more nerves thinking about the cheating, his lies and worried if she was going to get in trouble if her parents found out she snuck out of the house, even though it wasn’t the first time she had and never got caught. She didn’t want this to be the day she did…
As the night went on, she finally was able to clear her mind and make it to the school since she took a small break from riding her mom’s bike and sat in the grass. When she finally got to the school, she found him on the basketball court playing basketball by himself, as she put her mom’s bike down, she spoke and said, “I’m here what did you want to talk about.” He walked over and said” I know you saw me at hoop-fest with another girl and it wasn’t what you think it was and I can explain.” At that moment she got irritated because what does he mean it’s not what it looked like he was hugging up on a short chick kissing her, she ended up blurting out “your pathetic” and started laughing, He looked at her now with a pissed off look on his face and said ” I’m pathetic I didn’t invite you to come watch me play at Hoopfest you pretty much were stalking me.”
Which was true but a week before hoop-fest weekend he made a comment about wishing she could come watch him play, so she saw it as an opportunity to grant him his wish. As the night got longer the madder, she got, she just stood there staring off into space not knowing what to say at that point all she wanted to do was yell and scream at him. To be honest she felt like punching him in the face and calling him a douchebag for being a manipulative piece of shit for being a Lier and a cheater in some ways it felt right to even call him a whore.
But instead, she told him she understood but that doesn’t explain why you were with another girl. He tried to say with a straight face that the girl he was with was his best friend and that she was dating this guy he was friends with, so she replied” You’re a Lier I asked the girl you were with if you were her boyfriend and she admitted that you two were dating.” He replied” she is a Lier I would never cheat on you,” She replied” I can’t believe you’re going to continue to lie, the girl your “friend” was with also confirmed you to were dating as well.”
He finally admitted to it all and she started to cry, she looked at him and said, “I’m done” and started to walk away when…
When she started to turn and walk away to get on her mom’s bike and go home, he grabbed her arm bagging and pleading for her not to leave and that he was sorry and would never cheat again. But once again she didn’t listen to Red Flag Number 5 and 6 and she once again got sucked back in and fell for his fake tears and bagging, that night they stayed at the school playing basketball until 1am they made plans to go to Mt.Spokane and wonder the trails and hang out at the mall of course they picked huckleberries on their hike which they both enjoyed.
At the end of the day, they went to the mall with her mom he bought a new pair of shoes and was going to buy a new shirt and pants, but he didn’t have enough money. so of course, her mom being a loving, caring person paid for what was left of the amount which came to $300.00 she was in shock, but she did it anyways and put it on her credit card and when they were done, they left the store an went back to her house. after dinner they eat dinner with her family and when he was done, he thanked them for dinner and her mom for buying him clothes and left and went home.
Chapter-5- Down Word Spiral
A couple months went by, and they were still together, and it was finally winter she walked to her boyfriend’s house to surprise him and to ask if he wanted to hang out. It took her probably a half hour for her to get to his place from her moms to his, when she was just a block away, she saw this black thing bouncing around in the snow it just so happened to be his dog, so she knocked on the front door, but nobody answered so she went around back and went through the back gate to let his dog back in…
Then all of a sudden, she hears someone yelling at her “what the hell are you doing here,” when she turned around, she went up the stairs thinking it would be okay to since she was just trying to bring his dog back and possibly try and hang out. But things turned for the worst he ended up calling her a liar and a thieve and when she cut him off and tried to speak over him yelling, he got even madder, she never saw him this way before and it did start to scare her, so she looked down at the balcony porch and he yelled viciously “look at me Damit.”
When she refused to look up at him now shaking, she felt a hard firm hit to the side of her face, she instantly started crying realizing what had just happened he slapped her in the face in a rage of anger. She was in so much shock she decided to walk away and leave so she said “I’m done don’t ever speak to me again and I’m leaving” she turned on her heel to walk down the stairs and she only made it to the middle when she felt him push her. She slipped down the stairs and fell, he yelled “fine I don’t need you any way’s your nothing but a worthless whore.”
Then she swept herself up off the ground and ran out of the gate bawling her eyes out not knowing how to feel anymore or what to do so she decided she would go home change into something warmer and write a note to her parents saying goodbye… When she got home her parents were arguing over bills and she instantly felt more horrible than she did before knowing her mom just spent $300.00 on someone, she should have dumped a long time ago, and maybe her parents wouldn’t be fighting, she swept past them in the dining room that was connected to the living room and went upstairs.
When she got upstairs to her room she changed out of her soaking wet clothes and sat on her bed thinking about what to say or do so she pulled out a notebook and a pencil and took to writing, the letter read ” Mom, dad I’m sorry for causing so many problems in the family and for sneaking out at all hours of the night and I’m sorry for fighting with my sister, and for causing you guys to argue over bills because mom spent money on someone that wasn’t worth a dime. At the end of the day, I want you to know I love you both very much, but I can’t escape the pain I’m feeling from everything I’ve been going through so I’m sorry to say this, but I can’t do this anymore goodbye.”
When she finished the letter, she folded it up and put her shoes on and a sweatshirt, she quietly snuck downstairs and placed the letter on the oven and snuck out the back door and started walking down the street not knowing where she was going or what to do next. She probably got a half mile from her parents’ house when all the sudden her phone started going off her Facebook blowing up with a whole bunch of messages from more girls, she tried her best to ignore the harassing messages and keep walking, but her phone wouldn’t stop going off, so she opened them. Alot of them read “you’re a thieve,’ “whore” or “stalker” but that didn’t bother her very much the one that bothered her the most was a message from a guy that shed only seen once and it was her EX’S best friend.
The message read “nice boob’s maybe you should lose some weight and then maybe your body would look better.” She was in shock and at this point she started freaking out because that meant the nude picture, she sent her now Ex-boyfriend was sent around for everyone to see, in a rage of panic she started hyperventilating and took off at a dead run and at that point she didn’t want to live anymore. Then she got a text from a friend and neighbor boy that she grew up with, the text read,” where are you? your mom called me looking for you call me please.” so, she called him and told him everything he met her at Andrew Rippen field, and they sat in his car for a long time while she cried explaining detail by detail of her situation, he allowed her to lay in his lap to cry it all out.
Chapter-6- Recovering
The next morning, they both woke up leaning on each other, he looked over and said, “what time is it” she replied” I don’t know.” all I know is I don’t want to go home. So, he started the car and turned on the heater, he drove out of the parking lot and slightly looked over and told her to text her mom and to let her know she was with him. They drove all the way to red lake in tum-tum and parked he looked at her again with this look in his eye and said, “were you really going to kill yourself,” she replied” I wanted to,” I feel completely violated and worthless, “why did god make me.”
He just sat there dumb founded and confused why I’d feel this way, then all of a sudden, she started getting those harassing texts again saying, “did you do it yet bitch” or “slice your wrist nobody would miss you,” he took her phone out of her hand and said,” are you really going to listen to stupid ass kids that want attention because they got caught acting stupid.” She replied “no” but to her how could she stop thinking about all the horrible things that were said, how could she move on, she decided to tell him she was ready to go home.
So, he said “okay” and started the car again and they made their way home. they sat in silence the whole way listening to country music, when they finally got to her house, he pulled up to the curb they both got out together and walked up the stairs to the front porch and opened the front door an went inside. Everyone was happy she was okay but, in the inside, she wasn’t every horrible text played through her head like a movie the more she talked to people the more certain things made her feel attacked even though they were just trying to be there for her but at the time she didn’t understand that.
She took everything someone said to her as an attack and like they were trying to push her around and bully her, so she did the unthinkable and pushed everyone she truly cared about away including her best friend, her whole family, and her family’s friends. As the day continued on with snow falling from the sky and the clouds a hot pinkish grey color, the girl felt like it was best to go hide away in her room where she would lay in her bed and stare up at the sealing for hours before she would dose off into a deep sleep which never really would happen since she wasn’t getting a lot of sleep anyway.
She was woken up around midnight to her phone buzzing, it was a phone call from the neighbor boy. She answered “Hello,” he responded with “how are you feeling? are you doing okay? do you need someone to talk to?” she instantly started laughing and said,” you called me at 1am to ask me how I’m doing that’s funny.” He laughed and said,” I’m just worried about you and I care about you,” they talked for a while longer and he asked her to come outside and meet him, so she did.
She pulled her original sneak down the railing and quietly open and unlock the back door, and quickly open and unlock the back gate fiasco. When she opened the back gate, he was standing there and scared the crap out of her, she went to scream but he cupped his hand over her mouth and whispered,” you’re going to get us in trouble,” she instantly started laughing again and smashed a snowball in his face and took off running down the street.
They both were laughing at this point not really caring who they woke up or who hears them outside because the only thing that he cared about was making her smile. See deep down he always had a crush on the girl next door but at the time she was too young and was always busy doing her own thing, she never knew he felt that way, but little did he know she felt that way too.
Chapter-7-Struggling To Move On
She was always lying awake at night staring at the sealing wondering what life would look like if things were different, wondering if the feelings she held so near to her heart would hurt still this bad if it was someone else, she has so desperately “fell in love with” or why she even cared still this much.
She always caught herself daydreaming about their past relations wondering if she could fix it or if she should just say “fuck his red flags all together,” because let’s be honest is it really worth getting hurt again and again until you feel like you can’t breathe from drowning in your own emotions and feelings from getting pushed aside like a used up old dirty side table, or how others would call it “side piece.” She never expected life to be this hard and decision making to be so easy, but moving on wouldn’t be, she only wished time could rewind so she could change her past, so she never had to be reminded of all the hurt she went through. Some days she wished shed never met him at all and wished she could just move away so she wouldn’t have to see him again.
A few days had passed, and she finally started to feel normal again, so she decided to go on a night walk and play some basketball, so she told her mom what she was doing and where she was going. She put a sweatshirt on and her P.E. shoes, kissed her mom goodbye grabbed a basketball and out the door she went, she decided not to wonder very far from the house this time, so she decided to go to the park up the road that connects to the skate park, the park is called Herman Park. When she got there the court was all lite up with streetlights and it was quiet which in her mind, she was thankful for because she needed to relax her brain and destress so she could get a good night’s rest and focus on school.
But that all changed when…
She heard a familure voice coming towards her from a crossed the field from the skate park and oh no it was “MR Red Flag Himself”
I instantly stopped in my tracks and at this point I was holding the basketball, I started to walk in the direction to home. When all the sudden he jumped in front of me and asked, “where are you going, I thought you were playing basketball.” She replied back “away from you, I told you I don’t want anything to do with you anymore so please just leave me alone.”
He looked me dead in the face and said,” are you really going to throw us away over stupid drama,” and like word vomit she shouted, “drama you have no idea the bullshit that has been sent to my phone from your “little friends” it’s not drama its harassment and bullying.” How could he honestly think I would give a crap about him now after everything, I can’t even stand to look at him, and again she said” so please leave me alone and stay away from me please…”
she again turned on her heel and started walking home sick of everyone thinking we could just come back from all the crap that was started, how could I ever care about him again after everything. The audacity that boy has in general to think he could hurt me so badly and just come crawling back like a lost dog that can’t find his bone is hilarious, it honestly shocked her that he thought she would be stupid and fall for his red flags and stupid charm again.
When she got home, she was still very much so angry at herself that small pieces of herself was still being affected by a stupid man child, that would never understand the pain and hurt his words made her feel or the pain he allowed his friends to cause her by bullying her. There were days she just wanted to scream until her lungs gave out and cry until she fell asleep all that pain and heartache made her lose something that no woman or young girl should ever have to go through.
If you are wondering what that something was that she lost, I’ll tell you… that young girl lost her self-worth, her integrity, her sparkle, and all her hopes and dreams went out the window. In the mites of it all she even lost herself and was left with a shattered heart that she didn’t even believe could be fixed, she was left like a dog in the cold feeling unwanted, worthless, used, replaced, and dead all over again at that point she was ready to run and never look back.
That wild child ran like hell….
Chapter-8- The Runaway
That night the fire came out in her, she took off dressed in sweats and P.E. shoes.
That wild child ran like hell and didn’t stop running, she wanted to be as far away from this place as she possibly could be, she made it all the way to what they call “little Spokane” which is a river that she used to swim in when she was a kid, she also used to feed the ducks there too.
When she got there, she crossed this long cement bridge that crossed over the water that bikers and runners would travel on for exercise, she stood there stuck in her head overwhelmed with everything playing inside her mind wondering if it would ever stop playing or just magically disappear. She felt this urge that sent shock waves through her body that she never felt before, she started to contemplate if life was worth living and all the qualities of life and what they meant.
To her she didn’t understand why God had created her in the first place, she felt even more alone than before thinking nobody could possibly understand the hurt, she was going through. Some people may even call her “crazy” with a voice on each shoulder one voice would tell her “Let go and just end the pain for once and for all,” the other voice would yell “don’t listen to him Hes just trying to trick you, your life’s worth more than that don’t give up.”
That young girl made a decision she would never forget and that she would regret later on in life. She decided to listen to the bad voice on her shoulder, so she climbed over the railing of the bridge that keeps people from falling off and was bracing herself to jump… Until out of nowhere she heard a voice running towards her in the distance, “don’t do it please” is all she could hear, at that point she broke out of her mind and instantly started to cry. She grabbed onto the railing to wait for whoever yelled at her, when she could see who it was, she was shocked it was the boy she grew up with Jay.
He helped her carefully climb back over the railing and told her he had called her mother and told her where her daughter was, he was shocked that she was actually going to jump off a 20-foot bridge. When her mom pulled up in the parking lot on the other side of the bridge, she was happy her daughter was alright, but she was also very distraught at the fact that her daughter was going to give up her life for issues that shouldn’t matter. When they got back to the car they climbed in, her mom advised that the next day she would be taking her to an in-home care facility so that she could get the help she needs to feel better about herself and so she could live a normal life again.
On her way home she layed in jays lap crying and telling her mom how she was sorry and that she just wants people to leave her alone and to stop bullying her, to feel normal, not to be broken and bruised from the inside out. When they pulled up to her house jay got out and walked her inside, he kindly asked if after she puts her stuff in a bag for tomorrow if he could sit in her room with the door open and talk to her, both parents said yes so, he waited at the bottom of the stairs until she was ready for him to come in. When she gave him the green light for him to come in, she was sitting on her bed in fuzzy sweats and an extra-large t-shirt, he took a seat on the end of the bed and asked, “how are you feeling?” she just sat there drifting off into space as if she didn’t hear the question that was asked.
It was at that moment she realized he was staring at her with a worried look on his face so she layed back in her bed, looked up at the sealing and said, ” will you just sit here with me until I fall asleep,” he replied “yes of course,” thinking to himself this is odd, but he moved to the other side of her bed to where he was now sitting right next to her and leaned back against the wall. As the night got longer, she had finally fallen asleep, he carefully got up pulled the blankets over her and he shut the light off in her room and went downstairs told her mom she was asleep and to have a good night and went home.
The next day her mom come into her room and woke her up, she stretched and slowly got out of bed, she gathered her stuff to bring with her and went downstairs, she was nervous, but she knew she needed to go for herself to feel better again. Her mom asked her if she was “okay” she replied, “yes I’m ready to go,” so she got her things and brought them to the car, they both got in an took off to the facility. When they got there, she got checked in and waited for a doctor to come talk to her and her mother, they waited a while but when it was time, they both had papers to look through, deep down she knew it would be okay and it would be a big change since she was stuck there for six months but it would be worth it, so she could get her life back.
The doctor took her back into a room with six tables and a crap tone of chairs to talk to her, she ended up telling the doctor detail by detail of her past relationship, the harassing messages, and the bullying. She also explained that she didn’t want to be alive anymore, but she knew that wasn’t a good answer to solve her problems, she just wanted to numb the pain until she stopped feeling all together. The doctor told her he understands and that it sounded like she was under a lot of stress, suffering from anxiety and she may have been struggling with depression, he asked if she would like to seek help and if she did then to sign the papers, she replied “yes I would,” so she took the cap off the pen read through everything and signed on the dotted line. She then slides the papers across the table and asked, “what’s next?” he took her back to where her mom was and told her that I was willing to get help, which her mom was happy about.
The doctor took both packets of paperwork with him to a room that kind of looked like an office and put them into a copy machine, when he was done, he brought one copy out with him and handed it to her mom. He then made sure the girl understood all the rules, for instants they weren’t allowed to wear their own shoes or anything with string, they were only allowed to wear socks unless they were going outside the facility, at bedtime no one was allowed out of their room past curfew, and they couldn’t share clothes, shampoo or conditioner and beauty tools like makeup. Piercings weren’t allowed either so they had to take them out, when he was done explaining the rules, he explained he had to go through her stuff that she brought with her since it was policy rules to keep people safe from sharp objects or anything that could hurt someone.
Then he showed her to the room she would be staying in and let her get settled in and told her there would be visitations every two weeks for any family that came to see her, so she said “okay” and when she was done getting settled, she said her goodbyes to her mother and went back to her room an sat on her bed. That night a facility worker came in and brought her a notebook and pen and said,” everyone gets a notebook to write in, sometimes depending on the circumstances some people share in group, but mostly to talk it over with their therapist,” the girl asked “if they look through the journals for treatment reasons” because she didn’t feel comfortable sharing or talking about her issues with the group.
The lady said” yes” and explained it was fine if she didn’t want to share then she didn’t have to, and she would make sure to put a pink paper in her notebook stating only the therapist is allowed to know what was written in her journal. It was a long six months between therapy treatment and getting back to knowing herself again and fixing her issues, she ended up getting close with God and she got to visit with her family while she was there, she felt like a new person and like she was alive again. She was finally getting that glow back in her skin when she smiled, she learned skills that would help her cope in the outside world and help her continue to be on the straight and narrow road. At the end of the day the doctor cleared her safe to go home and they made sure she had a plan set in place just in case some days became a struggle or if she started to go backwards or started slipping up and finding herself lost again.
Chapter-9- Freshman Year
She finally made it to her freshman year; she was very nervous the only thing keeping her from freaking out was knowing she wouldn’t be alone because her older sister was a junior and all of her sister’s friends went there too. She was excited about meeting new friends and to move on with her life at a new school, to get over her horrible past an to enjoy her new beginning.
Her first day went by pretty quickly, she met two great people in her first period class, named jess and Anna they ended up eating lunch together and jess introduced her to all of her friends. They kind of were like a big family, one particular person in the group stood out to her it was a boy, which was again all new to her since she hadn’t been instructed in anyone since her Ex, he was very much so taller than she was but that didn’t bother her he had short blonde hair and crystal blue eyes that could melt your heart if you started into them for too long.
This boy wore dark washed jeans with sneakers and a t-shirt with a ball cap put on backwards, for some reason she felt this electric static run through her body just by looking at him, she felt weird about it because it’s been so long that she felt anything for anybody, after lunch was over he and jess offered to show her to class which was really kind of them the more she got to know them the more she felt at ease. As the day went on, she was wondering the halls at school looking for a water fountain or a vending machine, when she finally found one, she looked down for a split second making sure she didn’t trip over something in front of her since she was very clumsy, but that didn’t work because she ended up running into that boy she had just met.
He laughed at her I guess finding it funny that she wasn’t paying attention to where she was going an from finding out how clumsy she was and said ” be more careful next time you might fall on the stairs,” she replied “sorry I guess I was just spacing off again” and shot him a big smile, he smiled back at her and said “have a great rest of your day” and walked away. She just stood there amused by him and watching him walk away, after she got a Gatorade out of the vending machine, she headed back to class walking very slowly it was a math class, she just so happened to hate math with a passion and wasn’t in a hurry to get back, so she wondered the halls hoping to run into that boy but sadly she didn’t. When she made it back to class her teacher was very mad, she was gone for so long, but she didn’t care, she was just excited to have the day go by faster.
As she was working on a math problem the bell rang it was time for her sixth period science class, she gathered her stuff in a neat pile and one by one she put each binder in her backpack with her pen and pencil and put her backpack on her back and walked out of class and went down the hall and up the two flits of stairs. When she found the science room, she walked in found an empty desk at a table she could sit alone at and took a seat and waited for class to start. The science teacher introduced himself after everyone came in and found their seats and passed out this year’s silabess to everyone, he explained what his rules were in his class and what his expectations he had for this year, he also explained that we would be working with partners and sometimes in groups so for the first day he wanted us all to write something about ourselves that we would want to share and of course are name so we could all get to know each other so it would be easier for him to pare us in groups or partners so we all felt comfortable.
He of course went first and then let us start writing, we probably made it halfway through the class when the bell rang and it was finally time for everyone to go home, he let us know we would finish were we left off tomorrow and dismissed us to leave. I quickly grabbed my stuff and ran out of class to hurry and meet up with my sister to go home, I met her outside the front doors of the school, but she wasn’t there, so I dug my phone out of my pocket to text her, only to find that she had already texted me to say she was going home with her friend and mom already knew.
That meant I had to walk home by myself since she was pretty sure Jay had already left since he always rode his bike to school unless it was raining or snowing then he rode with me and my sister since our mom drove us. So, she started walking home since she didn’t live very far from the school, to be exact she only lived maybe ten blocks away so it wasn’t really a big deal to walk, it probably only took her about a half hour for her to get home since she would always walk slow. When she got home, she walked up the stairs to her front door and opened the door and walked inside looking for her mom, but she was probably busy doing Landry, so she just decided to shout” I’m home mom, I’m going upstairs to do homework” since she didn’t feel like wondering the house to look for her to let her know she was back from school.
As she made her way upstairs, she turned the stairs light on and went into her room and closed the door and flicked on the light, she laid her backpack on her bed and changed into something comfortable and sat down on her bed an pulled out her homework, she decided she would finish what she started in science s since she didn’t feel like doing it tomorrow during class.
Some people would call her an overachiever but to her she rather hurry and get things done so she could move on to the next assignment, when she was done with her science class homework she moved to her math homework, she got probably halfway through it when someone knocked on her bedroom door startling her, she instantly stopped what she was doing and said “come in” the door opened and out behind the door walks in her mother, she reply’s “I heard the front door open but I wasn’t sure if it was you or your dad, so I decided to come see if you were home.” The girl laughs and say’s “mom I shouted I’m home how did you not hear me” the mom laughs at the fact that she didn’t hear her own daughter yell over the dryer and washing machine going and said,” I had the washer going and the dryer on and the TV on in my room while I was folding Landry sorry honey” jokingly she mutters “mom you need hearing aids.”
Her mom laugh’s and say’s ” I don’t need hearing aids, I’m not that old yet,” then all of a sudden, they both hear the front door close, so they go downstairs to see who it was, as they rounded the corner into the kitchen, her dad appears as he puts his lunch box down, he says “what’s for dinner, and how was your first day of high school,” Susie replied “what would you like for dinner dear,” and their daughter said ” it was a good day, kind of stressful being in a school with a lot of people and trying to find my classes was kind of hard but I had a good day dad thanks for asking.” Eugene replied back to his wife “nachos sound good, where is Jo,” Ann and Susie said at the same time “at a friend’s house for the night,” they all went into the living room together and Susie sat at her desk to make a food list for the store so her husband. After Eugene came back from the store, Ann helped her mom make dinner and finish the dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen, after dinner Ann went back up to her room to get ready for bed and to finish her math homework before school the next morning.
The next morning Ann rolled out of bed, went to the main level of the house to take a quick shower and to get ready for school, after she was done putting clothes on, she eats breakfast, when she was done doing her hair and makeup, she puts on her shoes and grabs her backpack, opens the front door and heads out to go to school, of course she would walk to school like she always did. When Ann arrived at school, she immediately went straight to her first period class which was language arts, when she walked into the room, she was the first one there which she liked because she could sit in the very back of the class and it helped her be able to focus more on class.
After class she raced down the stairs to her woodshop class which was one of her favorite classes she was taking, while in school. Ann loved to creative and build thing's, she built box's that you could put blanket's in, key chains and she even made ceramic pens. When woodshop was over it was time for lunch, so Ann gathered her stuff and walked out into the halls to meet up with her friends so they could go to Walgreen's to get energy drinks and snacks since school lunches weren't that great. So, they all walked together out of the school cracking jokes and laughing and they all climbed in the back of their friends red ford truck since it was raining, and no one wanted to walk, and he was the only one with a vehicle and a license.
After they pulled up to the store everyone climbed out of the truck and went into the store gathered what they wanted and payed and got back into the truck and went back to school, everyone stayed in the truck for another ten minutes before going back into the school before the bell range. That meant it was time for science class, so Vance walked Ann to class as everyone parted ways at the door, they went up two flights of stairs and down the hall to her science class and when they got there, he hugged her and said, " see you later."
Chapter 10- Junior Year
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