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Expression thru carefully crafted and flowing words become the key to understanding the author’s hope’s, dream’s, fear’s, and truth’s.
12 Sep, 2020 04:39 Fiction My adrenaline high was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It was more intense than any drug I had ever…
12 Sep, 2020 04:39
Fiction
My adrenaline high was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was more intense than any drug I had ever used, better than any orgasm that I ever had. As I knelt beside what used to be the man that tore me emotionally and mentally to pieces, to the point of losing the very soul I once had, was just a grotesque pile of disfigurement. I felt nothing but the high I was on, and as it subsided... pure bliss! The smile on my face, (which I didn't realize was even there until my teeth and cheeks started to ache) was so big it must have looked animated or sinister like my face was literally deformed like the joker or some shit. As I just knelt there quietly for what seemed like hours, was minutes before the waves subsided. I released the tension of my jaw and I realized I had tears streaming down my face. As i licked the salty drops from the right side of my cheek I started to giggle and I looked down at the corpse of the man I once made my God, and said out loud to him, "look babe, you finally made me cry tears of joy!" And I laughed hysterically as I watched them continue to drop from my eyes to the floorboards in between my upper thighs as I was still kneeling by his side. I then went to stand up and suddenly thought to myself, "holy shit I'm outta shape, that was extremely physical and I better get my ass to the gym before I do this again". And even though this act of raw emotion and ecstasy wasn't planned, I knew with every fiber of my being that I was gonna do this again, and again. Stopping this new drug wasn't ever going to happen, it would have to kill me thru overdose to get me clean from this, and oh what a beautiful and erotic death it would be.
Sitting in my counselor's office once a week for the past 7 years has just become second nature. Most weeks I can't wait to plop down and just unload on her, and talk so fast and say so much that by the time the hour was over I'm out of breath. It was like my new high, unloading how I really felt about people, situations, my family, relationships. Walking out of her tiny closet of an office was the closest I've come to a natural high or what a few know it alls have said, knowing they couldn't possibly even know what that could feel like considering they've never actually gotten high on something as powerful as heroin. It still pisses me off hearing people say that, "oh I'm just high on life, I don't need any help to feel good". Well aren't you fucking special? They have no idea how lucky they are to have taken the path they did instead of ending up on the one I still struggle to veer away from. Soon nothing will ever compare to the free and orgasmic feeling I'm about to introduce myself too. Nothing! Just like when I tried that first bag of dope or first line of meth, I became instantly addicted, and there won't be enough to satisfy my addiction.
I was so much wiser back then. Then he came into my life. Amazing weren't my first thoughts of him but he grew on me pretty fast and before I knew it I was smitten. I thought I was finally right where I not only needed, but wanted to be. I wanted forever, I wanted to treat him like a King. He turned out being way more than I would ever have been willing to let into my life and definitely wouldn't ever have let my guard down. I wouldnt of been so stupid as too fall in love with him, then continue to let him take advantage of every weakness or positive thing about me. I was so blindsided the first time he snapped at me, or the first lie that I knew 100% was a flat out lie. I was even more baffled when he lied, and I knew he was lying and just didn't care, apologize, or acknowledge in any way that he had any remorse for the awful things I would catch him doing. All the times he cheated on me have torn me down to nothing. I had no self esteem, self worth, or care for anything but him and pleasing him. But this was something that would never be achieved. You can't please a narcissist. The very meaning of the disorder is a very hard pill to swallow, especially when you read the definition and realize that this is, down to the very last letter, the man you've spent the past 6 years with. The man I fell in love with, and my main focus and soul interest over my children and myself. He got what he wanted when he wanted it and I learned very fast that if I couldn't fulfill these obligations, that he would have someone who would, whether that meant cheating physically or emotionally, getting another woman to wear it,pay for it, and please him when he snapped his fingers. I know this sounds made up or extremely exaggerated, but if you've had the hell of having a narcissist in your life then you know exactly what this descent into madness feels like.
Unfortunately for him one of the things he worked so very hard on from day one was telling me I didn't need my program. Yes, that kind of program, I couldn't do 12 steps. So I chose medication assisted treatment. All the preaching of admitting that your life has become unmanageable was like admitting weakness for me. Yeah i fucking knew i wasnt managing life correctly but i was still managing. I was there for 10 years and I was doing amazing, my counselor was that little voice of reason that was essentially managing my life. I don't know if he saw her as a threat or that my 1 hour a week, which I worked my ass off to get to that point with putting in the work and time to stay clean, was too much for me to spare on myself and took away time from him. I'm still clean from my old drug of choice, but when i lost her, I lost the only person who wasn't my child or closely related to me, that forced me to see myself better then what i was settling for. She made me strive to be a better mother, daughter, friend, and most of all she made me realize my self worth and my hard limits. The things I just wouldn't be taking anymore as normal or just part of life. This is absolutely someone a narcissist would see as a direct threat because her job was to recognize these traits and be a warning bell, and my slap into reality if needed. His job was to make me his and only his, and that means he couldn't have someone continuously pointing out every red flag, and constantly encouraging me and building me up.
I never thought someone could make me feel so empty and undesired. Walking around on eggshells for years is a horrific way to spend one's existence. But until recently it had just become my life. Day in, day out. Living every waking moment just needing and wanting to please the unpleasable. It's taken a drastic toll on my mind, my body. With zero trust in each and every other human being, I question everything. Everyone's intentions. I second guess every decision I make or have made in the past. The worry and fear, that double as heartache, loss of self worth, or having losing the ability to trust anyone or anything isn't a happy life. Living in the dark of reality was much happier. Having the wool pulled over your eyes isn't such a bad thing when reality is filled with endless heartbreak and accumulated hatred. Loving a narcissist is a full time 24/7 world of pure shit that I was not prepared for. I ask myself relentlessly why am I doing this? Why am I subjecting myself to this little chunk of hell when I could easily grab my belongings and leave? The reason is because not only are they proficient at pretty much everything, they are masters at manipulation, making love, and they can make you feel like a God. They lie about everything! That's not an exaggeration. Even if there's no reason to lie. You can literally watch them text their side piece and recite the very words they just sent, and theyll convince you that your fucking crazy. Now to the outsider looking in, your probably saying, " no lady, your fucking crazy, you watched it happen!" And until about 6 years ago, I was one of those outsiders. I have always had a scientific point of view. I lived in the facts of proven and never changing answers. But when I met my Babe, I rapidly and unknowingly started to live in this perpetual grey area. My existence as an individual who thought for herself and made her own decisions, simply vanished. I became well polished and as close to perfection, on the outside that time, nice clothes, and expensive beauty products would allow, and inside I was empty. A constant struggle of self doubt, questioning if this choice or action will please him. I can't explain this almost hypnotic state that I was in. Almost like I woke up one day completely rewired as a pleasure extension for him and only him. Everything I loved suffered. My children, my friends, my personal interests, writing, my space cadet, but bubbly personality. My most cherished and dear friend said my smile changed. I used to demand attention when I smiled in a room full of people. She said now I always look like I'm forcing myself to smile. She begged and cried as well. Pleading for me to just walk away and forget this rough patch of hell, and just move on. My babies also cried. Seeing my descent into nothingness, and knowing that im wise enough to hit the breaks and back the fuck out of this situation. From that hurt comes anger that I'm still in neutral, slowly pushing myself forward when I always lived in the fast lane, giving the finger to anyone not going 110 mph.
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As the adrenalin faded my body started to tremble, I laughed about my "getting into better shape," thought and grabbed onto the side table with the least amount of shattered glass on it, and slowly helped myself back onto my feet. My legs shaking so violently I must have resembled a newborn deer standing up for the first time. This is when reality set in, how the fuck was i covering up this fucking mess up? Taking his body somewhere else and burying it was not an option. First off, I'm a woman, and we love to get all sentimental and shit, and I'd like to visit this man's grave at some point. I know myself, and that's a sure way to make fingers that are already going to be pointing in my direction, not just speculation. Especially if nobody knows where he is. It's usually your partner that kills you if you're not involved with some other shady goings on. So if law enforcement was on this case properly, I could be followed around for a long time. These are the thoughts that should have been popping into my head before I grabbed that bat. Also the extreme overkill, definitely shouts, Personal! I could just take care of this now and claim self defense with a hint of crime of passion, but a trial with a jury of my peers, isn't a chance I'm willing to take. Plus I know for a fact I can't carry dead weight, so this was getting serious fast. So I made a mental note that next time I need to be at the disposal location. Then I can walk away, and push forward. It killed me to burn him up in a house fire. But it's not a loss, the house isn't finished. By dumb luck i left my cellphone miles away at our home. Also I'm always home by myself everyday at this time, so this isn't gonna be something that looks out of character when I get questioned about my day. The only people who would question my ability to do this to him, would be the people closest to me, and that was a very small number of people who would never steer any suspicion my way. To the rest of our circle of friends and family we were the perfect couple and there was never anything that would cause them to raise eyebrows or point fingers in my direction. With that last thought I knocked over his bottle of soda onto some sketchy looking electrical wires, watched the sparks fly then everything shorted out. Ok now what? I knew that accelerant could be detected even after a fire burns itself out or is put out, so that doesn't make anything look accidental due to his own stupidity. I was starting to panic. The fear was so strong that I was having an extremely hard time breathing. I started to get tunnel vision and everything went black. I woke several minutes later, thanking God that it wasn't hours and I still had time to get home, clean myself up, and start to wonder why babe wasnt home from work yet and no phone call saying he was late or stopping off somewhere. So I collected myself and took a deep breath, and scanned the empty shell of the house that someone was having the luxury of building and spending the rest of their days enjoying. Why they chose him to complete the interior part of this project was a mystery to me bc i couldn't get a shelf hung in our house without it falling or being crooked unless i was willing to compensate him for his time and hard work with some type of pleasure sent his way. I looked around until i found a bunch of chemicals, grabbed the one that said extremely flammable, put it on the little shelf on the ladder he was using when he was actually working that day which couldnt be alot considering i watched the fowl little piece of ass he was busy fucking that day leave when i was trying to find my phone to tell him that i brought him something to eat and ask if he wanted me to come in or him come out to the car. Wow my cell phone being left behind was turning out to be a fucking life saver at this point. I stepped up a step without touching the sides or any part of the ladder because really that wouldn't be somewhere explainable to leave prints. I've been there plenty of times before so any others would be normal and easily verified from other people working there periodically. So the last person pinging off a cell tower would be the nameless whore that I watched walk out of the house. There were no neighbors and the dirt road was put here solely for the purpose of getting to and from this property. For not having any of this planned, things were really lining up in my favor. With that positive thought i tipped the can over with my finger inside the sleeve of my shirt, and watched the fan it had spilled all over go up in flames, and the flames follow the stream of liquid that i was beginning to realize was paint thinner, and with the intense heat radiating towards, i stepped off the ladder, and poured some more from the other can of the same stuff over the places my sneakers, hands, and other body parts had come in contact with, and watched the dry blood become liquid again, and go up in flames, fast and realized i still needed to get outta here fast, and i had already removed my sneakers and was in socks, but that wasn't gonna cover anything up while walking away from the fire. So instead of hyperventilating and passing out i took my shirt off since it was it already torn to shreds and quickly wrapped the two largest pieces around my tiny feet, another plus of being a petite woman, and quickly tip toed out of the house, to the grass, and skipped over to a hose that was running from somewhere on the property and basically started to shower on what would someday be the front lawn. Might not be the same structure, but a building of some sort and that's when my random thought was interrupted by a defining boom that violently knocked me on my ass and everything went black, again.
When your kids are becoming adults, you hear a lot of unwanted advice and or reality checks. I pride myself on my oldest child. She's cut throat, gorgeous, strong will and minded, and she's honest almost to a fault. Every time she's ever seen me or any of her siblings hurting or in a situation that would cause someone to raise an eyebrow, my oldest is there picking up the pieces. So watching the tears stream down her face is a helpless view. I already knew whatever caused my strong beautiful daughter to show this much emotion would be detrimental to my state, then I suddenly realized I had no recollection of what happened in between my lawn shower and coming too. Why was my baby girl crying? And who found me from getting knocked out? Then I suddenly felt sick. Sure enough as these thoughts passed through my mind, as if my daughter could hear them running through a mental checklist, she bends down and whispers that everything was ok and to keep my mouth shut. Being a mom that goes against my very nature but I trust my daughter who is my oldest child with my very life and well being and her ability to make important, life altering decisions on me and her siblings behalf. So I did exactly what she said and listened, hoping to read the conversation better. As my hearing, vision and my ability to process information began flooding in faster then the police officers who were consoling her told her she saved my life and that the monster who did this to her mom got the ultimate justice.
Turns out while I thought I was being smarter than the technology and the forensic team that would be at law enforcement's disposal to find out the what, why, and most important, how'd this man die, was the cause of death of this piece of shit an accident or or was it intentional? This only he would know the answer to, and that was, was the phone call intentional or not? Considering no one nowadays leaves even the room without their cell phone in hand, why on earth would a woman who's being abused leave the one thing that could possibly get her help or save her life if need be, when she was going to see the very person abusing her? Well my baby girl took care of that for me, so i sat back and watched the beautiful young woman i had given life, her values, and core beliefs, intelligence and her amazingly stunning looks too, work this room of seasoned law enforcement officials like she was casting a spell with her words that entranced them deeper with every word that came from her seemingly innocent lips. It was a proud moment. I'm not gonna lie, and it was nothing to her. No hesitation, every word came out flawlessly like the lyrics of her current favorite song that she purposely listened to repeatedly until she knew the song by heart. I was envious. I am an excellent communicator, with a pen and paper. But when it comes to saying those words out loud, even though they are flawlessly put together, and pronounced perfectly in my head, somewhere from that perfect mental picture to my mouth, the signal gets crossed things get jumbled and mixed up, and i end up tripping over the sounds, mispronouncing words, and just straight up losing the ability to make sound come out of my mouth at all.
So this is what my underestimated teenage daughter said happened… the call from his cell phone to mine, was absolutely a factual event, but from that starting point up until the very moment the last one hugged her or patted her on the back saying she saved her mothers life and that this horrific event was over and ended positively because she was so smart and brave, was literally bullshit. Flawless bullshit I might add. Complete and utter make believe like the fairy tails i told her as a child. But her performance and ability to do this without hesitation, stutter, or having to think about her response and repeating that over and over like it was truth, is the reason that all our lives continued without that narcissistic dark figure controlling everything in my life and most of hers, and ended up blossoming into my happiness that we all share now. She said when he called my phone she had realized that my phone and my wallet was home, but I was not. Seeing it was him she figured she'd better answer it and give him some lame excuse as to why my phone was not in my possession, so that i wouldn't have to deal with the unnecessary cruelty later. But when she answered all she heard was me screaming and begging for him to stop hurting me, and to please not end both of our lives. Then she heard a loud odd noise scratch from the phone and it disconnected. How did you know where to go and why hadn't she called law enforcement when there was obviously good reason for her to, then was stupid enough to drive his vehicle to a location that wasnt disclosed in the call. Well here it goes…
We have google, we share our live locations, and even though my phone was home, his was obviously with him and I. When she realized that the call wasn't intentional or if it was that since there wasn't any direct communication on my part that the phone was taken away from me or possibly knocked outta my hand. She didn't call the police because either it would be solved by the time she got there or that it would be too late. Then she added the water works, even the detective dude was tearing up. Baby girl says "When I turned onto the gravel road that leads to the construction site I thought it was too late and it terrified me to the point that I thought I had stopped the car, but I didn't. Then I hit the back end of my mom's car. I couldn't tell if I was hurt. So I called you guys." Nailed it, it was flawless. I was in awe. So to avoid questioning her actions in detail, she stated it looked as if I was thrown there by that dickhead or I was running away and was knocked out. My daughter was playing this room full of intimidation, by the very definition of their job, was to interrogate individuals with mild intimidation. She was not phased. She was not intimidated, scared, or unsure of her ability to nail this live performance like her life depended on it. she knew this would be the point that decided our family as a whole, future. It literally was. This is the part when my daughter changed the fate of our family from fucked up possibilities and negitivity, to a positive connection. This was loyalty and trust in each other at its absolute purest and finest moment. I could have died right at that moment and would have been 100% at peace and felt as though my job and purpose was fulfilled to its utmost potential.
After my daughter watched all of our county's top detectives and law enforcement leave the room and get a safe distance down the hall and fade into the background to where there was no chance of being heard she shut the door and that's when the real interrogation started. She laid into me like she had a freaking badge hidden in her waist band. I answered every question honestly and as detailed as possible since she had the right to know the truth. She had just literally gotten me out of a murder chrge by making shit up. I was still very proud and in awe. As her questions slowly came to a halt, I could once again hear my thoughts. This wave of terror washed over me almost immediatly. What if my daughter couldn't justify this? What if she thought I was a condemned soul and she couldn't live with the decision to cover my ass the way that she did? What if she became afraid of me? She has to know in her heart that I'd never hurt her, and that the only one dying out of her and her siblings and myself, is me. So after she fell completely silent I watched her take a deep breath in and it was almost as if I could see the weight on her shoulders pushing down on her making it harder for her to inhale that large breath. But I knew immediately that she had already answered all the fearful questions I was asking myself and the answers were all pointing in a positive direction my way, because when she let that huge breath out, the extra weight lifted off her shoulders and faded away with the breath she had just exhaled. Then we both paused for what seemed like an hour or more but im sure was only a few seconds, looked at one another directly in the eye and simultaneously said "call Aunt jesse". I kindly asked her if she was sure she was ok and that she needed to make sure that she could live with her decision to keep mommy from adding first degree murder on my arrest record, then i made her understand that if any point in time she found herself not being able to live positively with the decisions she made for me that she could turn me in and id still love her just as much as i do now if not more, and that i would willing turn myself in along side of her having to clear her conscious to the intimidaters and that i would make sure that they understood i forced her to lie in the first place. Then once again as if she could hear my thoughts, she looked me dead in the eye and started bawling, and buries her head into my chest and said that she was sorry that she took it upon herself to make up what she needed to to make sure that piece of shit didn't get the last laugh out of all of this because i ended up in prison, or worse awaiting execution. This is when i got that second sudden flash of terror. I needed to be up front with my original peanut. (i started calling her peanut as a nickname the instant she was born. Now I call her original peanut bc my youngest and most evil child is my peanut chew.) So eventually I tried making some noises come out of my mouth. I started off speaking at a normal almost trance like state, and before i knew it, i'm bawling my eyes eye, with my daughter still pressed tightly up against me, and i just thanked her. Over and over, I thanked her. As she looked up to say something Jesse walked into the hospital room and said, Tab! Jesus Christ girl, how fucking hurt are you? You got your clothes around here somewhere. My daughter had one more awesome surprise and she pulled a bag labeled "evidence" out from the little side table drawer. "I heard the one cop in the hallway talking to one of the nurses, asking for your clothes that they cut off in the ambulance. She said I have it for you if you can give me a minute. It's behind the nurses station. So I swiped it quickly while no one was looking. This must be a very old hospital because the only place they don't have cameras is the nurses stations. They're the last people you want to trust." Me and Jesse looked at eachother like." damn did we accidently raise a whole master criminal unintentionally. No, we raised loyal kids and taught them to protect and love one another because that is why you have family. Especially siblings. Jesse grabbed Peanut and said "girl your momma is lucky you showed up first."
She was more right then i could have ever imagined. My daughter just being in protective mode literally kept me from catching a murder charge. I love her more than anything in this world but now i trust her with my life and the life of her siblings and her other parent who's basically been jesse since the day dhes been born. This was literally the last time this situation was ever mentioned and we walked out the hospital like I was there for minor boo boo. That was very weird and put a lot of weight off my shoulders. I wonder if either of them knew that this would only be the beginning, of what i suddenly reakized would be my new twist would theu just hsve left ot go and not bring it up, or do they think that if they would of made me say that i killed him because i fucking wanted to, that i wouldnt of made this my new favorite passtime.
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